I'm just gonna say up front that I'm thrilled this thing is only two hours long because my soul can only take so much gore. Gore that comes in the form of artists like Ke$ha and Justin Bieber with his mini hipster combover or whatever that stupid hairdo is. You know the one I mean? The hair that is brushed forward. I am old. I do not get this trend. Or maybe I am just uncool... this much I know to be true.
Oh mah gah! Here we go!!
Hour I
9.00 pm - Kicking things off with Eminem's big comeback. Where did he come back from? Didn't his record come out a while ago? Like back when Borat put his privates on Em's head? Or was that Bruno? I'm on the fence in re Mr. Mathers. Like his music.... his lyrics, perhaps not so much.
9.04 pm - I want Rihanna's boots. I'll pass on the Madonna "Like A Virgin" ensemble, though.
9.05 pm - The audience is pretending that performance was transcendent.
9.06 pm - Lindsay Lohan does... notlookgood. That's what life in the pokey will do to you.
9.07 pm - Lady Gaga has a house on her head. Oh wait! That's not Lady Gaga!! It's Chelsea Handler! My goodness, that's soooo funny.
9.09 pm - Chelsea makes some "angry black man" joke about Snoop Dogg. Wha?
9.12 pm - Handler's opening monologue is so inappropriate I can't talk about most of it here. It's also not worth mentioning. She just called Kanye the "big black elephant in the room." Enough said.
9.14 pm - Nothing says MTV generation like Ellen DeGeneres.
9.15 pm - Best Female Video goes to Lady Gaga for "Bad Romance." She is totes awesome sauce. And I'm not even making fun when I say that.
9.19 pm - Chelsea Handler is doing her best to ensure that it will be another 500 years before another woman hosts the VMAs and we're only 20 minutes in.
9.24 pm - Someone is cheering wildly for the Jackass people. Why, I'm not quite sure. They present Best Rock Video to 30 Seconds to Mars for "Kings and Queens." Jared Leto's band got popular? I really have been living under a rock. I get the same sad feeling seeing him as I do when I see Claire Danes. MSCL FOREVER!
9.29 pm - Isn't Justin Bieber like 14? So that really makes the Handler vagina jokes and Kim Kardashian's faux stalkerage a little disgusting. Hrm, he's 16 (I Googled). Well, that's so much better. He still looks 12, though. Waitaminute, if he's 16 why does his voice still sound like this? Castrati?
9.39 pm - Trey Songz and Ke$ha introduce someone I've never heard of. Tom was playing Trey Songz in the car the other day and I was muy afraid. That stuff is dirty, yo.
9.40 pm - Someone just told me this is Usher. I feel like I should be embarrassed that I didn't know, but I'm not. I am proud.
9.41 pm - Someone wishes he was Michael Jackson.
9.46 pm - Best Male Video goes to Eminem for "Not Afraid." Eminem's not even there, anymore. What a ripoff.
9.53 pm - Hey, Florence and the Machine! Something I'm actually excited about! I like most of this record and everything even though Eat, Pray, Love tried to destroy "Dog Days." Well, I was sort of hoping this would be a band performance and not Florence and the cast of Hair but this is the VMAs.
Okay, it's 10... time for Hour I to hit the presses. See you again when it's all over. Hey lookit! N.E.R.D.!
Hour II
10.04 pm - Chelsea Handler is draining me of my will to live.
10.05 pm - Best Pop Video goes to Lady Gaga for "Bad Romance." Didn't I write that sentence earlier? She is presented her awards first by Ellen DeGeneres and then by Ellen DeGeneres' double Jane Lynch whom I lurv.
10.08 pm - Replaying the Kanye West incident before Taylor Swift sings some lame song where the first line is "I guess you really did it this time" is just the worst. In the intro they made it sound like this solemn song was written in response to West's interruption as if a) the VMAs are really that important and b) that incident didn't garner her positive press that probably netted her millions of bucks. I'm going to go vomit now. If this song really is about Kanye I'm going to throw up twice.
10.25 pm - I can't see Drake without thinking Degrassi. Sorry, dude.
10.32 pm - The VMA's have a lot of commercials. That is probably the most exciting observation I've made all night.
10.36 pm - Best Hip Hop video goes to Eminem. Zzzzzzz...
10.36 pm - JWoww was looking so demure earlier. But now, in the hot tub... I don't want to make flotation device jokes but her implants are highly ridiculous.
10.46 pm - Someone with attractive orange hair is warbling on the VMAs but I'm being distracted by angry Chelsea Handler fans who are telling me to -insert swear word here- off on Twitter.
10.48 pm - Thank you, Yael. The orange haired girl is the singer from Paramore.
10.55 pm - Justin Bieber just won something. Should I care what?
10.56 pm - Linkin Park is attempting a comeback. They really were gone. Right? Oh my God they're at the Griffith Park Observatory!! They're desecrating sacred ground! Case of the vapors, I has them.
11.06 pm - Viva Cher! She doesn't need to turn back time because that bananas outfit still fits!!
11.07 pm - Lady Gaga wins Video of the Year. Who's not happy for Lady Gaga? No one. Her next album will be titled Born This Way. She cries and everything.
11.09 pm - Here comes Kanye. Kanye vs Swift. West, FTW.
Live Blogging The Emmys - Baby We Were Born To Run
And without further ado...
Hour I
8.07 pm - I never thought I'd be saying this but host Jimmy Fallon'sGlee number was one of the best awards show openers I've seen in ages. I'm still having trouble getting on board with Mad Men but Jon Hamm's awesome sauciness cannot be denied and seeing him get dance instruction by Betty White = phwoar!
8.10 pm - Oh... a montage. Already? The Year in Comedy... was funnier than this montage would lead you to believe.
8.12 pm - Eric Stonestreet wins the first award of the evening, Outstanding Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Comedy. I can't tell if Jesse Tyler Ferguson is crying because he's happy for his on-screen husband or sad because he lost. I'll be gracious and say I'm sure it must be the former. Tom and I do love the Modern Family.
8.18 pm - John Hodgeman's color commentary is sly, delish and full of dish.
8.20 pm - Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd take Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series for Modern Family. Are we in for a sweep?
8.23 pm - Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Jane Lynch for Glee. She doesn't look overly surprised and gives what will probably be one of the best acceptance speeches of the eve. She also looks divine in her eggplant taffeta. I will avoid making any obvious track suit jokes.
8.31 pm - Ryan Murphy wins Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series for Glee. So, do any shows exist tonight besides Modern Family and Glee? I'm starting to doubt it. They might just give the drama awards to them, as well.
8.37 pm - The cast of Modern Family shows us that they have several excellent possible future plotlines, all of which include George Clooney.
8.38 pm - Jim Parsons wins Lead Actor in a Comedy Series for The Big Bang, a show I never watch. This would happen right after I say Glee and Modern Family are going to win everything.
8.44 pm - Lead Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Edie Falco for Nurse Jackie. The other nominees all have happy face on while Falco looks shocked. There are a lot of orange ladies at the Emmys tonight.
8.47 pm - Umm, did Kim Kardashian just sing for a few seconds? And cue montage... for The Year in Reality. This doesn't look like reality to me, you guys. Reality does not involve Bret Michaels, Pamela Anderson and Simon Cowell. Or, mine doesn't, anyway.
8.50 pm - The Emmy goes to Top Chef for Outstanding Reality-Competition Program. They're the first people to get played off after droning on about husbands, wives and girlfriends or something.
8.57 pm - Hey, they haven't had a montage in ten minutes... I think it's time for The Year in Drama!! McDreamy got shot this year?!!! OMG! Should I care? I don't care.
Hour II
9.02 pm - Hour II kicks off with Mad Men winning Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series. Whoever this young woman is with Matthew Weiner, she's toast. Does anyone remember Kater Gordon, who won last year... and mysteriously left the show right after? Yeah... or was that only mysterious to me?
9.04 pm - I have no idea who Aaron Paul is but apparently he's in Breaking Bad. And he just won Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama. My boss at SXSW loves that show, but I already spend too much time watching TV. There's no room in the sched for meth dealers in New Mexico.
9.10 pm - Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series has so many excellent nominees but I am psyched, I tell you, that Archie Panjabi takes it for The Good Wife, my favorite new show. If you're not watching, you should be. It has so many I'm rewinding to hear those lines again moments, and Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma is one of the two best characters on the show. (Alan Cumming as Eli Gold is the other.)
9.13 pm - Lead Actor in a Drama goes to Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad, that show I just told you I don't have time to watch. Hugh Laurie's pretending (though not very well) to look touched when Cranston says, "You were robbed" to his fellow nominees.
9.20 pm - Man, I can't wait to watch True Blood when this is over.
9.23 pm - Steve Shill, who's English and comes from the Lake District, wins Outstanding Direction for a Drama Series for Dexter.
9.25 pm - Jimmy Fallon is killing it as host. I was fully prepared for this to be disasterland. His farewell ditty to Law & Order is bittersweet, though, as I'm still full of angry that it's gone before what would have been its historic 21st season.
9.32 pm - I bet Julianna Margulies wins and holy crap she doesn't as Kyra Sedgwick (wut?) wins for The Closer. Oh God, she just said, "My cast." We all know how much I hate that, right? Hearing "my" anyone unless it's your mother, father, husband, or kids should be verboten at these things.
9.35 pm - Fallon and Stephen Colbert are exchanging some patter that Conan O'Brien does not seem to find amusing as he looks on without laughter. They're singing an intro to, you guessed it, a montage! The Year in Variety includes loads of Jay Leno jokes and some Olympic torch lighting. And by Jay Leno jokes I mean jokes at Jay Leno's expense.
9.40 pm - The Tonys win something. I don't know what exactly but they beat The Kennedy Center Honors. Oh, it's Outstanding Variety Program. Well, that makes, err, sense.
9.41 pm - Oh man, the "They Died" montage is coming up. Where's my tissues?
9.49 pm - Could I love Ricky Gervais any more? I'm not sure it's possible. He gives it to Mel Gibson and then he gives the Emmy for Directing a Variety, Music or Comedy Special to Bucky Gunts for The Olympics Opening Ceremony.
9.53 pm - The Daily Show with Jon Stewart wins Best Variety, Music or Comedy Shows. It's tough... I think I might like Colbert more even though he's never had My Morning Jacket on. That's the dream, people! Well, one of mine, anyway. I hope Stephen Colbert is reading this right now but I bet he isn't.
Hour III
10.00 pm - They make Julianna Margulies look so severe on The Good Wife, but she's a total babe. She's here to present the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award to George Clooney. GC gives an impressive, sobering speech about the need for keeping the spotlight on disasters in the world long after the cameras have gone.
10.05 pm - And thank goodness we can lift ourselves from that heaviness with... a montage! The Year in Miniseries and Movies features scenes from a lot of great television I never bothered to watch.
10.06 pm - Is January Jones' dress made of plastic? Versace's doing plastic... well, better than fur, right? Oh, Julia Ormond wins for Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for Temple Grandin. She gets played off to utterances of "chick flicks with bulls balls." No, I am not making that up.
10.15 pm - I can't help but feel sort of sad whenever I see Claire Danes because Angela Chase is all grown up. Good to see that Latisse is working out for her. Those lashes are crazy. So is her Armani Privé dress. She hands over the Emmy for Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie to David Strathairn who rambles on about teachers.
10.18 pm - "I wrote this song for a friend of mine who passed away from cancer." - Jewel. And cue the "In Memoriam" montage. Ohh, Jimmy Dean. Man, Pernell Roberts was a hottie. The applause for Corey Haim is barely a smattering. And the winner for most popular passed away actor is... Dennis Hopper.
10.28 pm - I'm going to predict Claire Danes... and I'm right. She wins Outstanding Actress in a Miniseries/Movie for Temple Grandin. Can we get back to the interesting categories now?
10.36 pm - This is usually the part of the show where fatigue sets in but I'll admit it, Alexander Skarsgard in a tux just woke me up. A little. Temple Grandin wins something else. Direction? Yes. You go, Mick Jackson.
10.38 pm - Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries/Movies goes to Al Pacino for You Don't Know Jack, which also won the writing Emmy. Good lord, even Al got the spray tan. That so many celebrities are sporting Snookiskin has me shaking my head.
10.46 pm - Outstanding Miniseries is won by The Pacific which I find hilarious as there was only one other nominee.
10.48 pm - Made for TV Movie's big winner is Temple Grandin. I think Temple Grandin was the only film Emmy voters watched (which is not to say it wasn't excellent, of course). Moving along now...
10.51 pm - Weird, they're doing Outstanding Drama Series first? And they got Magnum PI to deliver the goods to Mad Men. You can feel the shock in Hollywood all the way in Kentucky. Yes, that was a joke.
10.57 pm - It's the end. And the end is a victorious Modern Family who take home the prize for Outstanding Comedy Series. Oh my, get a load of Manny and his fedora!
11.00 pm - Thanks for sticking with it. I'm off to bond with the vampires.
Oh God... here we go again. Why do I do this to myself? To you? I'm turning 40 in two weeks... I may use that as an excuse to stop doing this, but... you know... probably not.
I'm becoming kinda like John McEnroe when he interviews the French Open winners. You know how he always manages to bring up how he never won? Yes, I'm like that with the 40 thing. I CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Oh oops, it's starting...
Part I
9.00 pm - R-Patz really did cut all his hair off. The reports are true, ladies.
9.01 pm - Is Tom Cruise really relevant to the youth market?
9.01 pm - Oh, I guess he is when paired with R-Patz and Taylor Lautner.
9.02 pm - And Michael Cera.
9.02 pm - and Jaden Smith.
9.04 pm - "I don't understand why they're doing jokes on a movie that came out two years ago." - Tom. Also, Tom thinks Aziz is pronounced, "As-Is." Also also, Tom started a Formspring thing, too. Now you can ask him anything. I wonder if he will regret this someday. Then again, so far no one's asked him anything so maybe not.
9.07 pm - From lampooning Precious (wha?) to Justin Bieber. Go ahead and kill me now, please.
9.12 pm - Oh awesome, it's Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, and David Spade. Another youth market push, I see. They present Best Female Performance to Kristen Stewart for New Moon. The homicidal rage is building. I want to win awards for being catatonic for two hours. I like how I'm getting pissy about something that doesn't matter in the slightest. That is just excellent. People are starving and I'm getting stroppy about K-Stew beating Sandra Bullock.
9.19 pm - Tom is not impressed with J-Woww's boobs. This is one of many reasons why I like him.
9.21 pm - It sounded like Aziz pronounced Russell Brand "Russell Bland." Diddy is dressed like one of the metal dudes from Plano East Senior High circa 1987. He, RB, and Jonah Hill are here to hype Get Him To The Greek, I mean give an award to Anna Kendrick for Breakout Star for, thank God, not New Moon but Up in the Air.
9.26 pm - Ed Helms is playing the piano and singing. Ken Jeong is wearing a tiger print leotard and doing interpretive dance. Tom Cruise is ruining things. Then again, how do you spoil that which was not fresh to begin with?
9.29 pm - Tom Cruise and J-Lo. What year is it, again? I should probably explain that Tom Cruise has been doing everything as his Les Grossman character from Tropic Thunder but that won't make it any better.
I guess I'll post now... back in 30... or 40... or never. Just kitten.
Part II
9.36 pm - Amanda Seyfried wins an award for Best Scared as Sh*t Performance for Jennifer's Body. Over Sharlto Copley in District 9. He looks disappointed. That's cool, Shar, I AM TOO, MAN.
9.41 pm - Apparently the cast of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World will be doing something soon brought to us by Orbit. I bet it will be awesome.
9.44 pm - Best Kiss goes to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson for New Moon. The only thing I remember about that movie is R-Patz saying, "You give me everything by breathing." And I only remember that because it made me vomit.
9.48 pm - "California Girls" by Katy Perry is a summer smash? Summer hasn't even officially started yet. This song is making me lose my will to live. To be fair, there is a Katy Perry song that I actually like, but I'm not going to tell you which one it is. Too embarrassing.
9.58 pm - The lads from Human Giant try to save the day with their bit, Stunt Kidz.
9.59 pm - Betty White also tries to saves the day. For the next few minutes, anyway. She, Bradley Cooper and, inexplicably, Scarlett Johansson (standing in for her husband? Can't tell and neither can she it seems) are here to present the Generation Award to Sandra Bullock. If Betty White can't make you feel better about your husband cheating on you with a Nazi tattooed slut, who can?
10.09 pm - Oh, I get it. Scarlett Johansson is here to make out with Sandra Bullock.
10.10 pm - It's impossible not to love SB, isn't it? I wonder when how likable she is will backlash? God, I hope she never turns into Julia Roberts.
10.11 pm - The cast of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is using the F-word. A lot. Apparently there's a WTF Moment award and it goes to Ken Jeong for The Hangover. Gotta give it up for the Asian power although I can't say that scene had a lot of... ummm... power.
10.14 pm - Aziz Ansari is channeling R. Kelley which means...
It's time to publish again. See you at the end of the line.
Part III
10.17 pm - Someone please explain Eva Mendes' garment to me.
10.18 pm - The thing that is happening onstage right now is commonly referred to as a "hot mess," I believe. Is that Marky Mark up there? And Will Farrell? And The Rock? And Samuel L. Jackson? Yeah...
10.19 pm - Best Villain goes to Tom Felton for whatever the last Harry Potter movie was. he seems like a very nice boy and appears to be nothing like that dreadful Draco Malfoy.
10.25 pm - I bet the patter on this Jaden Smith, Jackie Chan and Shaun White is going to be bril. They present Biggest Badass Star to Rain. Holy cow. I am actually stunned. No one seems to know who the hell he is. Especially Paris Hilton. This is hilar.
10.31 pm - My friend PGG thought the New Moon trailer was another parody. Enough said.
10.37 pm - R-Patz wins Best Male Performance. Somewhere Taylor Lautner is weeping with his baggies of meat.
10.39 pm - "Christina Aguilera's trying to be Lady Gaga." - Tom
10.41 pm - X-tina has a light up heart on her crotch. File under things I wish I'd never seen.
10.42 pm - I now live in a world where I can say, "I liked Katy Perry better than Christina Aguilera." Unbelievable.
10.45 pm - Cutaways to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton + Aguilera and J-Lo = relevance taking a backseat to hume city.
10.47 pm - I sent that line to PGG and she said, "Population: Us for watching." Too true and too good.
10.50 pm - It's possible that I need a swagger coach just like Zach Galifianakis. Or is that swagga coach? K-Stew and R-Patz apparently do not if their tepid applause is any indication.
10.51 pm - I suspect that Zac Efron is on his way to a divorce from reality a la Tom Cruise. Just a feeling. I hope Oprah's couch is ready.
10.51 pm - Best Comedic Performance goes to Zach Galifianakis for The Hangover. Ta'Avon, Zach's swagga coach, you know, accepts for him. Ta'Avon looks suspiciously like Aziz Ansari. Ta'Avon is funner than Aziz Ansari, though. Tonight, anyway.
10.54 pm - This is almost over. The gladness is starting to fill my soul.
10.58 pm - In the final "2005 called, it wants its awards show back" moment of the night, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz show up to give Best Movie to... New Moon. I totally wrote that sentence before they announced it... and not because I'm psychic. Peter Facinelli accepts for the cast and says F a lot. Except to Stephenie Meyer because she's Mormon.
11.00 pm - My ellipses and I are going to bed. Goodnight.
The winner may not be you as the funny is in short supply at the moment due to my brain being pulled in 90 different directions in the last two hours. It's my fault for starting #bandmoviemashups on Twitter. Some hilarious answers, though, like Erasurehead, Vampire Weekend at Bernies and Antwone Fischerspooner.
Oh God, here we go...
Hour I
7.30 The Best Actor and Actress nominees arrive onstage and stand there awkwardly as their names are called. You can't hear the audience applauding so it's a bit odd and hey there, Gabourey Sidibe, she's workin' it. Is there ever a moment where Colin Firth is not dreamy?
7.32 Neil Patrick Harris is singing. And dancing. I love NPH but the Oscars are, you know, known for their horrible musical numbers and this is no exception.
7.34 Sarah Jessica Parker is an orange not found in nature.
7.34 Cue Meryl Streep jokes. And people in Hollywood are stupid jokes.
7.37 Who's that creepy guy sitting behind Helen Mirren?
7.39 "Gabourey and I have something in common. In our first movies we were both born a poor black child." Steve Martin elicits my first laugh of the night.
7.41 George Clooney is not amused. George Clooney is in on the joke. I guess.
7.43 Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner are strangely unformed.
7.44 Monologue is over. Thank God because that was... disappointing and uncomfortable.
7.45 Best Actor in a Supporting Role goes to Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds. No one looks surprised (because he's won every other award known to man). Hard to make jokes about the earnestly sincere so thanks a lot Christoph.
7.50 Oh look, it's Ryan Reynolds trying on gravitas for a minute.
7.52 Anna Kendrick looks bored.
7.53 This Jennifer Aniston movie looks horrible... much like all Jennifer Aniston movies.
7.55 Jimmy Kimmel was funnier when he was f**ing Matt Damon and not Ben Affleck.
7.56 Cameron Diaz just called Steve Carell "Jude Law." I make that mistake all the time. Revenge of the teleprompter.
7.59 Best Animated Feature Film goes to Up. I guess this kills their chances for Best Picture. As if they had a chance, anyway, because you KNOW District 9 is gonna win!
8.00 Why are Martin and Baldwin blowing it?
8.00 Miley Cyrus and Amanda Seyfried... really. I like how Seyfried walked out a good ten feet in front of Cyrus. They present Best Original Song to Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett for "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart. I feel like I'm watching The Golden Globes. Perhaps I should just re-post my blog from that show.
8.12 I am... not going to say anything about Tina Fey's dress because I luv her too much. Like how they had the camera on Robin Williams when she said writers have a "fear of ad libbing." Robert Downey Jr. is going to be Robert Evans in thirty years, isn't he? Or, you know, now. They give Best Original Screenplay to Mark Boal for The Hurt Locker. That should take the sting out of that lawsuit. Wow, he's kinda cute.
8.17 Ohhhh... man. Cue tears and the tribute hasn't even started. Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick introduce a montage of clips and interviews celebrating John Hughes and his films. Well, hello Brat Pack. Oh dear, Judd Nelson. So disturbing, so homeless. Hughes' family is there. They still look traumatized. I read a great article about him recently in Vanity Fair. It's worth checking out.
8.28 Someone please explain Zoe Saldana's dress to me. Is that a purple poodle down there? What the heck is going on?! Oh, it's Best Animated Short. The winner is Logorama. It beat Wallace and Gromit so I don't care.
8.33 Best Documentary Short goes to Music By Prudence. Okay, some crazy lady (Elinor Burkett) just interrupted Roger Ross Williams and said, "Let the woman talk!" She then proceeded to ramble on until someone got the hook. Okay, fine, the music played her off but I was really hoping for the hook because that was bananas. I'm sure she thought she was making some feminist statement... but seriously... She was probably listening to Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" before her category and decided to go full bozo.
8.36 Best Live Action Short goes to The New Tenants. More people getting played off. No one gives a crap about these non-famous people because it's time for...
8.37 Ben Stiller, who comes out dressed as a smurf to present the award for Best Makeup to the team from Star Trek. Okay, he's really dressed as a Na'vi and smurf was Tom's joke.
And that's it for hour one. So far the Oscars have been both unwieldy and unfunny. Kind of like this post. Back at 9.30 or so.
Hour II
8.49 Please let Nick Hornby win... but I bet he won't... and he doesn't as Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Geoffrey Fletcher for Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire. More earnest and sincere dudes...
8.52 Martin manages to come up with some funny patter as he introduces Queen Latifah who gives the rundown on the highlights of The Governors Awards. Honorees included Roger Corman, Gordon Willis, Lauren Bacall and, err, some other peeps.
8.55 Bacall gets a slow moving standing ovation as the audio cuts out. This is seriously the worst Academy Awards I've seen in years.
8.57 Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like she's tearing up at her own clip. Oof. It doesn't matter as there's no way they're not going to give the Oscar for Actress in a Supporting Role to Mo'Nique for Precious. I really hope that she gives another kickass inspiring speech. I'm actually kind of verklempt over seeing her get a standing o.
9.01 Did I mention that Colin Firth is dreamy? I did? Okay.
9.06 Avatar wins its first award of the night... for Production Design. I will kind of laugh if it's the last. Nuh uh! One of the winners just said, "James Cameron - this Oscar sees you." And then he stopped mid-acceptance speech to let some other guy talk. This is full on amateur hour.
9.11 The Young Victoria wins for Best Costume Design... over Coco Before Chanel which I find amusing for some reason.
9.12 Does Charlize Theron want us to look at her boobs? I'm confused. (Google the dress tomorrow and you can see the, ah, highlighted areas, too.) "Cinnaboobs" my friend Yahzello called them.
9.16 Oh joy, it's K-Stew and Taylor Lautner giving horror movies their due. Okay fine, it's true, I never thought I'd be seeing clips of Scream at the Academy Awards.
9.22 Let's keep the teens interested for two more minutes as Zac Efron and his stupid hair, along with Anna Kendrick, present Best Sound Editing to Paul N.J. Ottosson for The Hurt Locker. He also wins Best Sound Mixing with Ray Beckett. I really enjoyed Ottoson when he played Silas in The Da Vinci Code.
9.28 Oooh, I like Elizabeth Banks' dress quite a lot even if it doesn't exactly flatter her hips.
9.36 Avatar wins one more. For Best Cinematography.
Time to publish this thing... back in an hour.
Hour III
9.37 Demi Moore is the same color as her gown... I will give it up, though, because it might be my favorite of the night.
9.38 In Memoriam... with James Taylor. Brittany Murphy gets some tepid applause. Hrmm. it really seemed like more people passed away in the last year.
9.46 Oh man! I love the League of Extraordinary Dancers. Seriously. I don't care how random and out of place this is... they're beyond brilliant as they highlight the different nominees for Best Original Score.
9.53 And Best Original Score goes to Michael Giacchino for Up. Has there been a single deviation from The Golden Globes?
9.55 Avatar wins something else. Oh, Best Visual Effects. Uh oh... The Hurt Locker and Avatar have been cleaning up so far... it's going to be a fight to the finish.
10.02 Best Documentary Feature takes home the Oscar for The Cove. I've just been warned there's some civil disobedience coming. I see Ric O'Barry holding something. Fisher Stevens won an Oscar. Time hath stood still. Geez, all he did was hold up a sign that said, "Text DOLPHIN to 44144" and they cut away superfast.
10.08 Best Film Editing goes to Bob Murawski and Chris Innis from The Hurt Locker. Did you know that many editors are also accomplished knitters? Okay, maybe just one... that I know of.
10.16 Pedro Almodovar (awesome) and Quentin Tarantino (slightly less awesome) give Best Foreign Language Film to The Secret in Their Eyes (El Secreto de Sus Ojos) from Argentina. The winner makes a cute joke about how he's glad the Academy didn't consider Na'vi a foreign language. No one laughs. Or maybe they do... my audio's been twilight zone all night.
10.19 Kathy Bates is introducing the clip for Avatar but I'm really starting to get the feeling The Hurt Locker's going to take it. I'll actually be surprised if Kathryn Bigelow doesn't win for Best Director.
10.25 A-Listers talking about other A-Listers. Everyone loves Jeff Bridges. Michelle Pfeiffer looks amazing. Of course. Man, get on with it. We all know how fabulousGeorge Clooney is. Is Vera Farmiga weird or is it just me? More dreamy Colin Firth looking thoughtful as Julianne Moore waxes rhapsodic about him. Euw, it's Tim Robbins talking about Morgan Freeman. The euw was for Robbins not Freeman because God rules. Everyone gets these classy tributes, but the best is for Jeremy Renner courtesy of Colin Farrell who talks about spooning with him in Mexico.
10.31 Kate Winslet can stop losing weight now. The Best Actor Oscar goes to Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart. I'm happy for Bridges even though J-Lo can't be bothered to applaud. So thrilled he's saying "our" instead of "my." Classy guy, that JB. Excuse me... classy dude.
10.40 This thing is supposed to be over now but instead it's A-Listers talking about other A-Listers 2.0. Forest Whitaker loves Sandra Bullock (why did she go with old lady pink lipstick?). Michael Sheen has the hots for Helen Mirren (who still has creepy dude sitting behind her). Does Peter Sarsgaard sound like John Malkovich on purpose? He's blathering on about Carey Mulligan. Oprah's making Gabourey Sidibe cry. Oprah's dress is mag. Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep are BFFs.
10.47 Best Actress goes to... or it will after Sean Penn stops mumbling about something... Sandra Bullock who gets an, I kid you not, standing ovation. Impossible to dislike Bullock who showed up to get her Razzie last night for All About Steve.
10.55 Our first opportunity for a deviation from The GG's... and yes! The first female to win an Oscar for Best Director is Kathryn Bigelow who is probably also the hottest person to win an Oscar for Best Director. This is pretty rad.
10.57 This telecast is now nearly 30 minutes over time.
10.58 Yeah yeah Tom Hanks okay who wins? Ten to choose from!! Well, no preamble... The Hurt Locker takes it all... and Kathryn Bigelow thanks... Hazmat crews!
Can't top that. Now I have to go finish my laundry. Thanks for reading.
Yes, I plan to do the impossible... laundry AND Oscar watching/blogging.
Call me crazy.
Check back here later, taters, for the goods. I've been writing all day for SXSW so the quips might be in short supply but let's hope I can find my wit sometime in the next two hours.
Live Blogging the SAG Awards - Here I Go Again On My Own
Well, the anticipation's mounting. Can't wait to hear the little celebrity anecdotes followed by that most important utterance, "And I'm an ACTOR!" I'm not sure how many years I've been watching this show but that's their schtick and I'm alternately amused and disgusted every time.
An aside before the show starts, and it carries with it an embarrassing admission but what the hey, we're all friends here, right? So, the confession is that I have a subscription to O, The Oprah Magazine. The travesty... after Conan's herald of the death of cynicism I was trying to be all upbeat today and on the cover there's a big ol' headline stating "100 Things That Are Getting Better," and well, that sure is hopeful and stuff, gotta peruse that one. Well, you know what was number one? Floral arrangements. Yeah, you heard me right. At the top of my list of "100 Things That Are Getting Worse?" O, The Oprah Magazine.
Ooops, it's 8 o'clock... let's get this party started...
Hour I
8.00 I adore Meryl Streep's dress. I do not love Sandra Bullock's. I think Marion Cotillard stole part of Drew Barrymore's Golden Globes gown.
8.02 Cannot tell if Cory Monteith is smug or embarrassed. Let's go with embarrassed because I heart Finn.
8.04 "I'm Sherri Shepherd and I'm cuckoopants." Okay, she actually said, "And I'm an actor."
8.04 Does anyone have any idea what Jeremy Irons just muttered?
8.05 Kate Hudson's backwards white jersey frock reminds me of Celine Dion's backwards white tuxedo. She and Justin Timberlake present Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock. Alec brought his brother Billy as his date. Steve Carell and Larry David look unamused about losing. I guess getting dissed by your peers is more of a drag than getting dissed by the Hollywood Foreign Press. A serious Baldwin gives a populist speech about unions. Maybe he is planning to run for office someday.
8.09 Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Tina Fey who ate a breadstick when they announced her name with the nominees. Fey takes a minute to tell NBC how happy they are to be there. Surprised polite laughter all around.
8.19 Jane Lynch looks smashing in royal blue, although I prefer those Adidas tracksuits. Cue endless montage about comedy that's not actually funny. How they pulled that off... well, it's a stunning achievement.
8.23 It's followed by some bland patter between Ray Romano and Kyra Sedgwick as they give Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series to (Glee, I hope, because those kids have to be funny AND sing AND dance AND make me teary eyed) woo hoo! Glee! No one can hate on Glee. Oh look, it's Principal Figgins!
8.31 Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role - Film goes to Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds as Stanley Tucci watches all his hopes and dreams go down the drain. Waltz is humble and sweet and absolutely incomprehensible. He does thank the projectionists. That much I got.
8.34 This show has been way less self-congratulatory than I was expecting. I am relieved because I'm not seething but chagrined because it's making this post really rather boring. So, apologies. But blame THE ACTORS for not affording me with snarktunities. Opporsnarkity?
I think I'll publish now... because this is LIVE. BLOGGING. AT 8.36.
Hour I.II
8.38 Felicity Huffman can't read the teleprompter so Alec Baldwin reads the whole bit as they award Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series to Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife. She immediately calls the writers, "My writers," so I'm going to stop listening to her rambling because as you know, I hate that. MY MY MY! They are not your chattel, woman!
8.45 Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series goes to Michael C Hall for Dexter. There's no Bill Paxton here to say, "He's playing the cancer card," upon the announcement of his name. I don't think he really did because that's just too heinous, right? And flawed though they may be, I tend not to think these ACTORS are completely horrible... unless they are Mel Gibson. Hall thanks his wife for wearing "that dress" which also looks like Celine Dion's backwards tuxedo.
8.50 Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series goes to Mad Men. I feel like the Hollywood Foreign Press voted for this shizzle and not the ACTORS. Christina Hendricks is keeping her assets under wraps tonight. Men across America are very sad. Jon Hamm is no Don Draper.
8.56 One reason to love the SAG Awards? It's only two hours long. That may be the only reason.
8.58 Oh look it's Ken Howard, president of the Screen Actors Guild. I think I saw him in a Lifetime movie with Jaclyn Smith once. It was based on a Sidney Sheldon novel called Rage of Angels. The book was better.
I think I'll publish now because THE BETTY WHITE tribute is coming up!
Hour II
9.01 It's the reason for the season!! The Life Achievement Award goes to the incomparable Betty White. I'm a longtime Golden Girls fan who used to watch the show with my grandmother in the 80s. You may wonder what 15 year old wants to watch the GGs... it was this one, for sure.
9.05 This Betty White montage is super old school and pretty rad... even covering the game show years.
9.08 I love that both White and fellow Golden Girl Rue McLanahan are both big animal rights activists.
9.10 This might be one of the longest standing ovations I've ever seen at an awards show.
9.14 Betty's killing it. KILLING IT. That woman is bawdy and awesome sauce. How can anyone not love her? This 14 minutes has made it all worthwhile.
9.20 Oh look, it's Anna Kendrick and Stanley Tucci. She's probably wondering why she always gets stuck with middle aged dudes. Well, you were in a movie with R-Patz, Anna. They present Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries to Drew Barrymore who's with some dude that is not Justin Long. Tom just asked, "Why don't they just have one awards show if they're going to give them to the same people?" Drew seems pretty cool but her makeup artist needs to lay off the white eyeliner.
9.24 Michelle Monaghan left one of her sleeves at home. Is it just me or might Jon Hamm have a little bit of crazy in the eyes? They give Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries to Kevin Bacon for Taking Chance. Tom just said, "Didn't he win the other one? There are no surprises here, Bea." Bea is our cat. Full name: Bea Arthur.
9.30 Oh boy, it's time for In Memoriam. Will I shed a tea or won't I? Ron Silver and Brittany Murphy get the same amount of applause. Interestingly, the loudest cheers were for Karl Malden. My eyes are dry.
9.39 Mo'Nique wins Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role for Precious. She is an intense lady... and I mean that in a good way.
9.43 So, who better to follow her than Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz and Marion Cotillard introducing a clip from Nine? Mysteriously, it's nominated for Best Ensemble since it seemed to be universally panned.
9.50 I can't believe no one's talked about how great it is to win an award that was voted on by their peers, their fellow ACTORS. And the show's almost over! But there's still time... Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role goes to Jeff Bridges. Everyone's standing. Again. This really is like Golden Globes 2.0. Jeremy Renner's crying inside. And ah! He did it! "This means so much to be acknowledged like this by my acting family." Ho hum.
9.57 The winner for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role is... Sandra Bullock. Her husband looks real proud. Lots of people are standing. Warren Beatty's wondering if he slept with her. "I'm Sandra Bullock and I'm an ACTOR." It's pretty hard not to like Sandy, I have to admit. I even met her once. She is prettier in real life.
10.00 George Clooney is talking about sleeping with Betty White. My ears!! He gives Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture to the cast of Inglourious Basterds. Jeremy Renner's crying inside. I have no idea who most of these ACTORS are.
Is it over? It's over. Thank God no more of this til the Oscars. I'm off to watch figure skating now! True story.
Just letting you know I'm live blogging the SAG Awards tonight because a masochistic streak is a strong component of any pop culture blogger, I'd say.
They're on at 8. I have no idea who's nominated. And after watching all their self-congratulatory faces on the Hope For Haiti Now benefit last night I'm not sure if I'll make it through the whole thing without throwing up in my mouth a little. I would love to see Mo'Nique give another kickass speech, though. ("I celebrate this award with all the Preciouses, with all the Marys -- I celebrate this award with every person that's ever been touched," she said. "It's now time to tell. And it's okay." - from the Golden Globes)
On the flip side of snark, Conan O'Brien's remarks last night about cynicism really struck a chord with me, and I'm one of the biggest cynics I know (though I prefer to call it "grounded"... or something).
He said, "All I ask of you, especially young people...is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."
I'm not sure I believe this, but I'd like to. I'd really really like to.
See you in a bit.
Oh, by the way, this is #666, the blog post of the beast. Tee hee.
Live Blogging the Golden Globes - The Whole Enchilada
Watching the red carpet coverage on E! Always so full of awkward... like right now with Ryan Seacrest asking Fergie and Josh Duhamel why they renewed their vows recently. Or January Jones stiffly discussing why she doesn't want to wear 60s fashions even though all the designers are doing them right now because she "doesn't want to walk around as Betty all day." I will say her dress is killer, though, and the fashions are a lot less fug this year with some notable exceptions (Diane Kruger looking like cotton candy and Jennifer Morrison as the cowardly lion).
NBC's coverage starts in two minutes with Billy Bush. Billy Bush... Ryan Seacrest... poke needles in my eye or... poke needles in my eye. I'll, uh, be back when the show starts because these NBC hosts are making my IQ drop... and Mariah Carey has just blinded me.
Okay, here we go... let's hope Ricky Gervais kills it.
HOUR I
8.00 Enthusiastic applause as the stars acknowledge one of their own while simultaneously praying Gervais doesn't roast them to bits.
8.04 Obligatory Angelina Jolie adopts a bunch of kids joke followed by obligatory "Let's get started before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno" joke. All in all, a decent opening bit.
8.05 Nicole Kidman, whose plastic surgeon is doing a better job these days, presents Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture to Mo'Nique for Precious. Anna Kendrick looks a little bummed, but Mariah Carey and her boobs giver her a standing ovation. Props to Mo'Nique for calling the cast and crew "the cast and crew" and not "my cast and crew." Man, I hate that.
8.09 Matthew Fox, whose plastic surgeon is not doing a better job these days, and Sofia Vergara, who looks much prettier in real life, present Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical to Toni Collette, whom I love. Unfortunately I do not love her show, The United States of Tara... and she just said, "my cast." Damn.
8.18 John Lithgow just won something. William Hurt has a giant beard. Jeremy Piven's giving his best "Oh, I lost" face. This must be Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Why do they make these categories so freaking long?!
8.20 Mike Tyson is really happy to see Paul McCartney, who's here to make jokes about how animation is for adults who take drugs... and present Best Animated Feature Film to Up. I didn't see Up. Was that the balloon boy movie that did not feature the Heene family?
8.26 Thank God for the commercial break. Time to breathe and edit. The speeches so far have been a snooze. Someone needs to ply these nominees with some more booze.
8.30 Felicity Huffman's dress is unreal.. best I've seen so far. She's blowing all her lines but looks fabulous. Move it along, housewife...
8.32 Jane Krakowski and Neil Patrick Harris riff on their giant foreheads... and give Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Drama to Michael C Hall for Dexter. It's his first win and considering his recent illness, none of the other nominees can look too bummed.
8.36 Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series Drama goes to Juliana Margulies for The Good Wife. Ouchie, an NBC jab! Okay, another "my cast." Zzzzzz...
8.38 I just saw Mickey Rourke kiss Mike Tyson.
8.43 For some reason Harrison Ford's earring really bothers me. It's such an 80s mid-life crisis move... except it's not the 80s.
8.44 I am sure I'm not the only woman (or man) with a little bit of a crush on Ricky Gervais. So dry. So excellent.
8.45 Cher and Christina Aguilera come out as a sign of the apocalypse... oh, just kitten. Did not look full on at Cher for fear of turning to stone. They're here to present Best Original Song - Motion Picture to T Bone Burnett for "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart. Ryan Kwanten looks bored. I feel ya, bro. Best Original Score - Motion Picture goes to Michael Giacchino for Up.
8.53 Josh Brolin's ginormous head and Amy Adams give Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Grey Gardens. Cue tepid applause and long long walk to the stage. I think Martin Scorsese is texting or something during this acceptance speech.
8.58 Tom Hanks ends the first hour by announcing that ending up in bed with Stanley Tucci is a step up from ending up in bed with Alec Baldwin as he intros a clip for Julie and Julia.
And publish...
HOUR II
9.00 Julia Roberts is clapping for herself. This is also something that makes me want to vom. Now she's clapping for Meryl Streep, who wins Best Actress in A Motion Picture Picture Comedy or Musical for Julie and Julia and begins her acceptance speech by saying she wants to change her name to "T Bone Streep," but then proceeds to ramble on about... something.
9.11 Sam Worthington, who is supposedly some sort of heartthrob - and a short one at that (unless Zoe Saldana is 8 ft tall, which is possible), gives Kevin Bacon the award for Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV for Taking Chance. Best Actress goes to Drew Barrymore for Grey Gardens. Hey wait, I thought she and Justin Long were just friends!
9.23 People look a little surprised at Jennifer Aniston's leg, all of which is exposed at the mo. She and Gerard Butler (or, "that bloke from 300") present Best Screenplay Motion Picture to to Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up in the Air, which, imho, was not that great but what do I know. I still wish Alexander Payne had directed it instead, but Jason Reitman seems affable enough so I feel sort of bad saying that. But only sort of.
9.26 Ah, here's a biggie. Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Comedy Or Musical goes to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock. Except it's not that big because he's not there.
9.35 Sophia Loren gets a standing o (and I hope I look that amazing when I'm her age but that might require looking that amazing now so oh well). She gives Best Foreign Language Film to The White Ribbon, a German film that I've never heard of. Santa Claus accepts and he is suitably charming.
9.37 And the winner for Best TV Series Drama is Mad Men. Tom should be happy about this one since he's currently obsessed with it and spends all his time downstairs admiring Jon Hamm.
9.45 OMG TAYLOR LAUTNER! Please tell me he's legal now... and that his voice is going to change soon.
9.46 OMG CHACE CRAWFORD! We're both from Plano. This does not up my cool quotient. He and Kristen Bell present Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television to Chloe Sevigny for Big Love. Someone steps on her train. She hyperventilates.
9.49 I've really been missing Halle Berry's boobs so I'm totes glad she decided to share so much of them with us tonight. They're here to give Christoph Waltz the Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture for Inglourious Basterds.
Gonna publish now because apparently some Martin Scorsese tribute is coming up. It will probably take up the whole third hour.
HOUR III (man, if you're still here, I thank you)
9.57 Robert DeNiro's looking scruffy but handsome.
9.58 Leonardo DiCaprio's forehead is orange.
9.59 Martin Scorsese montage. You know, I still haven't seen Goodfellas because I'm too afraid. Did I just catch a clip of Harvey Keitel looking awfully cute?!! Aww, this "Layla" outro gets me every time. I really want to see The Age of Innocence but want to read the book first. What do you guys think?
10.04 Marty (or so I hear he's called) gets the Cecil B. DeMille award and I won't make a comment about Julia Roberts gaping maw hooting and hollering. I used to live on the same block that Scorsese grew up on in New York. I don't think this ups my cool quotient either.
10.08 I've now invested four hours in the Golden Globes. It's moved along fairly quickly, but I'm starting to feel the fatigue and I bet this post is going to get a lot of TLDNR comments. How many more awards shows do I usually cover during the season? SAG, Independent Spirit on occasion, and the Oscars. I feel like there's one more. Or two. Oooof.
10.12 Jodie Foster's new movie is called The Beaver. No comment.
10.14 Ricky Gervais is blaming the beer.
10.14.2 Mel Gibson. Yuck. Ohhh, it's Best Director Motion Picture time... Will it be James Cameron? A ha, James Cameron is the king of the world once again, for Avatar. He's speaking Pandoran. Or something. My eyes are glazing over.
10.18 Best TV Series Comedy or Musical better go to Glee... or 30 Rock. If it goes to Entourage I will barf. Oh, thank God, it's Glee. Ryan Murphy says, "This is for anyone who ever got a wedgie in high school." How about getting Hi-C thrown at you? Does that count? Because if so, that means Glee is for me, too.
10.24 Oh God, this movie When in Rome... just the commercial makes me want to drink bleach. Of course I'm going to watch it 20 times when it comes to HBO or Starz or whatever.
10.25 Avon spokeswoman Reese Witherspoon presents Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical to... wait for it... THE HANGOVER. Over Julie and Julia!! Jaw meet drop. I never thought I'd live in a world where The Hangover would beat Nine at a major awards show... where Mike Tyson would be standing onstage as part of a group accepting a Best Picture statue. Also, Bradley Cooper makes me want to punch... Bradley Cooper.
10.33 Arnold Schwarzenegger is making jokes about California's massive deficit. And NBC. Mmmkay.
10.35 Best Actress in a Motion Picture goes to Sandra Bullock for The Blindside. Mickey Rourke, who presented, looks disappointed. He's probably not the only one, but since Sandra seems nice and I like her restaurant in Austin, I'm going to keep it zipped.
10.39 They're really moving it along now. The winner for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical is Robert Downey Jr. for Sherlock Holmes. He definitely gives the wittiest speech of the night... not thanking people. However, it's another suprise win. Three in a row. Or is it three strikes and you're out?
10.46 If Tobey Maguire wins Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama I'm going to riot. Whew. Jeff Bridges takes it for Crazy Heart. Maguire looks po'ed, but Bridges gets a massive standing ovation. I said to Tom, "I heard he's great in that." He replied, "He's great in everything. I can't wait to see Tron."
10.52 If Julia Roberts prefaces the announcement of the winner for Best Picture with, "I love my life!" I'm going to reach through the TV and be sick on her shoes. That was really the turning point for me with her. Isn't that awesome... that I had a turning point with Julia?
10.53 I've just realized that something happened to my post. It disappeared. So, err, I hope this version makes it.
10.55 And Best Motion Picture Drama goes to Avatar. I'm sure we're all shocked.
10.58 James Cameron is imploring everyone in the audience to give it up... for themselves. Well, how do you top that.
Live Blogging the Golden Globes - It's Showtime...
Watching the red carpet coverage on E! Always so full of awkward... like right now with Ryan Seacrest asking Fergie and Josh Duhamel why they renewed their vows recently. Or January Jones stiffly discussing why she doesn't want to wear 60s fashions even though all the designers are doing them right now because she "doesn't want to walk around as Betty all day." I will say her dress is killer, though, and the fashions are a lot less fug this year with some notable exceptions (Diane Kruger looking like cotton candy and Jennifer Morrison as the cowardly lion).
NBC's coverage starts in two minutes with Billy Bush. Billy Bush... Ryan Seacrest... poke needles in my eye or... poke needles in my eye. I'll, uh, be back when the show starts because these NBC hosts are making my IQ drop... and Mariah Carey has just blinded me.
Okay, here we go... let's hope Ricky Gervais kills it.
HOUR I
8.00 Enthusiastic applause as the stars acknowledge one of their own while simultaneously praying Gervais doesn't roast them to bits.
8.04 Obligatory Angelina Jolie adopts a bunch of kids joke followed by obligatory "Let's get started before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno" joke. All in all, a decent opening bit.
8.05 Nicole Kidman, whose plastic surgeon is doing a better job these days, presents Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture to Mo'Nique for Precious. Anna Kendrick looks a little bummed, but Mariah Carey and her boobs giver her a standing ovation. Props to Mo'Nique for calling the cast and crew "the cast and crew" and not "my cast and crew." Man, I hate that.
8.09 Matthew Fox, whose plastic surgeon is not doing a better job these days, and Sofia Vergara, who looks much prettier in real life, present Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical to Toni Collette, whom I love. Unfortunately I do not love her show, The United States of Tara... and she just said, "my cast." Damn.
8.18 John Lithgow just won something. William Hurt has a giant beard. Jeremy Piven's giving his best "Oh, I lost" face. This must be Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Why do they make these categories so freaking long?!
8.20 Mike Tyson is really happy to see Paul McCartney, who's here to make jokes about how animation is for adults who take drugs... and present Best Animated Feature Film to Up. I didn't see Up. Was that the balloon boy movie that did not feature the Heene family?
8.26 Thank God for the commercial break. Time to breathe and edit. The speeches so far have been a snooze. Someone needs to ply these nominees with some more booze.
8.30 Felicity Huffman's dress is unreal.. best I've seen so far. She's blowing all her lines but looks fabulous. Move it along, housewife...
8.32 Jane Krakowski and Neil Patrick Harris riff on their giant foreheads... and give Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Drama to Michael C Hall for Dexter. It's his first win and considering his recent illness, none of the other nominees can look too bummed.
8.36 Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series Drama goes to Juliana Margulies for The Good Wife. Ouchie, an NBC jab! Okay, another "my cast." Zzzzzz...
8.38 I just saw Mickey Rourke kiss Mike Tyson.
8.43 For some reason Harrison Ford's earring really bothers me. It's such an 80s mid-life crisis move... except it's not the 80s.
8.44 I am sure I'm not the only woman (or man) with a little bit of a crush on Ricky Gervais. So dry. So excellent.
8.45 Cher and Christina Aguilera come out as a sign of the apocalypse... oh, just kitten. Did not look full on at Cher for fear of turning to stone. They're here to present Best Original Song - Motion Picture to T Bone Burnett for "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart. Ryan Kwanten looks bored. I feel ya, bro. Best Original Score - Motion Picture goes to Michael Giacchino for Up.
8.53 Josh Brolin's ginormous head and Amy Adams give Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Grey Gardens. Cue tepid applause and long long walk to the stage. I think Martin Scorsese is texting or something during this acceptance speech.
8.58 Tom Hanks ends the first hour by announcing that ending up in bed with Stanley Tucci is a step up from ending up in bed with Alec Baldwin as he intros a clip for Julie and Julia.
And publish...
HOUR II
9.00 Julia Roberts is clapping for herself. This is also something that makes me want to vom. Now she's clapping for Meryl Streep, who wins Best Actress in A Motion Picture Picture Comedy or Musical for Julie and Julia and begins her acceptance speech by saying she wants to change her name to "T Bone Streep," but then proceeds to ramble on about... something.
9.11 Sam Worthington, who is supposedly some sort of heartthrob - and a short one at that (unless Zoe Saldana is 8 ft tall, which is possible), gives Kevin Bacon the award for Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV for Taking Chance. Best Actress goes to Drew Barrymore for Grey Gardens. Hey wait, I thought she and Justin Long were just friends!
9.23 People look a little surprised at Jennifer Aniston's leg, all of which is exposed at the mo. She and Gerard Butler (or, "that bloke from 300") present Best Screenplay Motion Picture to to Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up in the Air, which, imho, was not that great but what do I know. I still wish Alexander Payne had directed it instead, but Jason Reitman seems affable enough so I feel sort of bad saying that. But only sort of.
9.26 Ah, here's a biggie. Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Comedy Or Musical goes to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock. Except it's not that big because he's not there.
9.35 Sophia Loren gets a standing o (and I hope I look that amazing when I'm her age but that might require looking that amazing now so oh well). She gives Best Foreign Language Film to The White Ribbon, a German film that I've never heard of. Santa Claus accepts and he is suitably charming.
9.37 And the winner for Best TV Series Drama is Mad Men. Tom should be happy about this one since he's currently obsessed with it and spends all his time downstairs admiring Jon Hamm.
9.45 OMG TAYLOR LAUTNER! Please tell me he's legal now... and that his voice is going to change soon.
9.46 OMG CHACE CRAWFORD! We're both from Plano. This does not up my cool quotient. He and Kristen Bell present Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television to Chloe Sevigny for Big Love. Someone steps on her train. She hyperventilates.
9.49 I've really been missing Halle Berry's boobs so I'm totes glad she decided to share so much of them with us tonight. They're here to give Christoph Waltz the Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture for Inglourious Basterds.
Gonna publish now because apparently some Martin Scorsese tribute is coming up. It will probably take up the whole third hour.
Something mysterious happened to my post so you can find the whole Golden Globes blog thingy here.
Live Blogging The Emmys - Ima Let You Show A Montage
Here we go, ladies and gents... I'm trying to remember who hosted the Emmys last year... Ellen? No wait, it was the Reality TV hosts. God, that was awful. This year we're graced by the presence of Neil Patrick Harris. Oh dear, he's singing already. Who wrote these lyrics? This is not... a promising beginning. However, the Emmys probably always win for biggest snoozefest, right?
So here we go...
8.05 pm NPH is doing... shtick. Or is it schtick? Either way it's a little painful as he makes fun of the opening to Lost and shows us where the band's sitting.
8.07 pm A montage. Already. A comedy montage. A comedy montage that's not funny. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just give up now.
8.10 pm Tina Fey and Jon Hamm make an attractive, if not funereal, couple as they make a Seth McFarlane joke and present Outstanding Supporting Actress Comedy to Kristin Chenoweth for the now dead Pushing Daisies. That wasn't a pun. She's wearing a disco ball and cries through her entire speech. Props to Elizabeth Perkins for being the only nominee who managed to look sincerely happy for her.
8.14 pm Cat Deeley!!! I LOVE Cat Deeley! I'm not quite sure what this breakthrough thing is, though.
8.20 pm John Hodgeman is doing color commentary. Will Justin Long be on, as well, to point out how inferior he is?
8.21 pm I think every guy here is wearing a black suit, white shirt and black tie. I wonder if they planned this. It's like twinkies en masse.
8.22 pm Matt Hubbard wins for Outstanding Writing Comedy for 30 Rock. Hey, I want to write for 30 Rock!
8.24 pm A Harlem Globetrotters gag. Really??
8.25 pm Jon Cryer wins Outstanding Supporting Actor Comedy. I've never seen Two and a Half Men, but again... really??Kevin Dillon is unamused. That's not a joke, they cut to him and he looked pissed. Jon's acceptance speech is interrupted by an advert for Gardasil.
8.34 pm The WLKY Weather crap supercedes Justin Timberlake, apparently. He's presenting Outstanding Actress Comedy... and the winner is... wow... Toni Collette for United States of Tara. I love TC, but she's looking a bit orange tonight. Quite an upset as I'm sure everyone was expecting Tina Fey to win.
8.39 pm HELLOOO Blake Lively's boobs! Interesting dichotomy between her and Leighton Meester who looks positively virginal in her toga. This new Emmy format is confusing, but I think they're here to let us know that Tina Fey and Justin Timberlake won something... ohhh, Outstanding Guest Actress & Actor for Saturday Night Live. They also give Jeffrey Blitz an award for Outstanding Director for The Office.
8.46 pm I'm totally realizing why I've never blogged this show before.
8.48 pm Alec Baldwin wins Outstanding Actor Comedy for 30 Rock while Jemaine Clement sits there going, "Why?! Wha?!" A mildy amusing moment in an otherwise lobotomy inducing show. I am impressed that people aren't managing to look happy for the winners this year. There are a lot of grim faces out there.
8.52 pm This Family Guy bit is NOT FUNNY. Hrmm... kind of like... the Family Guy. (I used to love that show. I don't know what happened.)
8.54 pm Oh God another montage. A montage covering the year in Reality TV. A montage that's followed by a performance by two of the Dancing with the Stars dancers. I'm starting to feel like I'm not the target audience for this show. Hey wait, is that Dom? And Hok?! 20 bucks says this was choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. HA! I called that one. Err... yeah.
8.59 pm Outstanding Reality Host goes to Jeff Probst for Survivor. That show is still on?
9.08 pm Amazing Race wins Outstanding Reality Competition Program. I've heard it's good, but I'll never watch it. Is that Jerry Bruckheimer?!
9.09 pm We're moving on to Movies and Mini-series with... you guessed it... A MONTAGE.
9.13 pm Shohreh Aghdashloo takes Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for House of Saddam. Can anyone else hear this weird heavy breathing? This is totes creepy. I know I sound crazy, but I swear there's some funky audio going on.
9.15 pm Outstanding Supporting Actor goes to Ken Howard for Grey Gardens. A friend of mine who works for HBO told me to watch this but... well... I haven't. Zing! He makes a Kanye/Joe Wilson joke.
9.24 pm Brendan Gleeson takes Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for Into the Storm, another HBO movie I've never seen.
9.26 pm I love the giant sepia toned photos heralding the arrival of Patricia Arquette and Jennifer Love Hewitt. They present Outstanding Writing to Andrew Davies for Little Dorrit... except he's not there. The Directing Emmy goes to Dearbhla Walsh for... Little Dorrit. Have any of you seen this movie? Let me know how it is. Good, apparently.
9.30 pm The accountants speech has been hijacked by Dr. Horrible. And Nathan Fillion. Dreamy Nathan Fillion.
9.34 pm Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie goes to Jessica Lange for Grey Gardens. All the ladies look happy for Ms. Lange. She's had some work done and she's rather self-tanned but hey... she's Jessica Lange. Oh look! There's Justin Long! What did I tell you?
9.37 pm No one has said "my cast" or "my crew" yet. This is a victory for all of us. God, I hate that. I even tweeted an actor recently who said, "I'm about to watch the show with my cast" to ask him why he/they do that. He has not replied.
9.43 pm I think the Emmys are back on, but WLKY would rather tell me it's raining. Okay, yes, I missed Grey Gardens win for Outstanding Movie. I did not, however, miss Little Dorrit's nod for Oustanding Miniseries... or Anna Torv's boobs. I think cleavage is the real winner tonight.
9.47 pm Moving on to Variety! I bet it's time for a... okay this is the best montage of the night, but still.
9.49 pm If you're still here, you're a real trooper and I thank you from the bottom of my sad, bored, tragic heart.
9.50 pm Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Series goes to Bruce Gowers for American Idol. He's chewing gum... and talking about hamburgers.
9.53 pm My favorite award is always the Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Series Emmy because the nominee bits are always so amusing. The team from The Daily Show (who had the worst one!) takes it.
10.02 Oh goodie. Jimmy Fallon. Things will surely improve now. After doing a rather unfunny auto-tuner piece he presents Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics to that snoozeville opening number that Hugh Jackman did at the Academy Awards. Congrats to the winners for giving the best acceptance speech thus far. I actually half smiled.
10.05 pm They're letting us know the In Memoriam montage is coming in 11 minutes... so we don't change the channel, I guess... because they all know we're dying to do it.
10.07 pm Thank God for Ricky Gervais, that's all I have to say. There's actually audible laughter. He gives Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series to The Daily Show. I have to say John Hodgeman's commentary has been mildly amusing but hard to hear.
10.13 pm There's nearly a whole hour left. Seppuku would probably be extreme at this point, but I am starting to think about it.
10.17 pm It's DRAMA TIME, y'all! And what better way to celebrate the next round of awards than with a... oh nevermind.
10.19 pm Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama goes to Michael Emerson for Lost. That guy totally gives me the heebs. Remember when he played that serial killer on... I mean, isn't he always a serial killer? Outstanding Actress goes to Cherry Jones for 24. Kevin Kline looks unimpressed but then he's appeared dour all night.
10.23 pm Oh dear, it's Sarah McLachlan singing "I Will Remember You," but instead of looking at heartbreaking puppies it's IN MEMORIAM time. Considering how many people have passed away lately I hope this is the extended remix. Fred Travalena died? Damn. Patrick Swayze gets a louder round of applause than Paul Newman. Such is the power of Johnny Castle.
10.33 pm Did they put David Boreanz and Stephen Moyer together because they've both played vampires? HOW CLEVER! They introduce Ellyn Burstyn and Michael J. Fox (winners of Outstanding Guest Actress and Actor in a Drama) who give Rod Holcomb the Outstanding Director award for ER. Outstanding Writing goes to Matthew Weiner and Kater Gordon for Mad Men.
10.39 pm Glenn Close takes Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama. What an upset!
10.48 pm And Brian Cranston wins Lead Actor for Breaking Bad. I think Jon Hamm is crying.
10.53 pm 30 Rock wins Outstanding Comedy and Tina Fey is adorable and witty as always. She's like America's Emma Thompson.
10.56 pm Apparently Sookie meeting Bill on True Blood has won some sort of Breakthrough Performance Award. And Vaseline Sheer Infusion would like to congratulate Bill. This isn't weird or anything.
11.01 pm Mad Men takes the big prize, Outstanding Drama, for the second year in a row. Everyone I know loves this show, but I just can't get into it. I fear I'm not grown up enough.
Final thoughts... Neil Patrick Harris should get rave reviews for his hosting duties considering how many people gave him props during the show. I enjoyed the nominee bits with the directors and writers... nice to hear them have a say. However, I will not be blogging the Emmys again because, like this post, it was long and boring.
Thanks for reading and impatiently wondering when this post was going to show up.
Linda Park likes to watch TV, read some books, follow the politicking and look at pictures of bunnies on the internet. You can email her here or follow on Twitter @mspark.
