I'm just gonna say up front that I'm thrilled this thing is only two hours long because my soul can only take so much gore. Gore that comes in the form of artists like Ke$ha and Justin Bieber with his mini hipster combover or whatever that stupid hairdo is. You know the one I mean? The hair that is brushed forward. I am old. I do not get this trend. Or maybe I am just uncool... this much I know to be true.
Oh mah gah! Here we go!!
Hour I
9.00 pm - Kicking things off with Eminem's big comeback. Where did he come back from? Didn't his record come out a while ago? Like back when Borat put his privates on Em's head? Or was that Bruno? I'm on the fence in re Mr. Mathers. Like his music.... his lyrics, perhaps not so much.
9.04 pm - I want Rihanna's boots. I'll pass on the Madonna "Like A Virgin" ensemble, though.
9.05 pm - The audience is pretending that performance was transcendent.
9.06 pm - Lindsay Lohan does... notlookgood. That's what life in the pokey will do to you.
9.07 pm - Lady Gaga has a house on her head. Oh wait! That's not Lady Gaga!! It's Chelsea Handler! My goodness, that's soooo funny.
9.09 pm - Chelsea makes some "angry black man" joke about Snoop Dogg. Wha?
9.12 pm - Handler's opening monologue is so inappropriate I can't talk about most of it here. It's also not worth mentioning. She just called Kanye the "big black elephant in the room." Enough said.
9.14 pm - Nothing says MTV generation like Ellen DeGeneres.
9.15 pm - Best Female Video goes to Lady Gaga for "Bad Romance." She is totes awesome sauce. And I'm not even making fun when I say that.
9.19 pm - Chelsea Handler is doing her best to ensure that it will be another 500 years before another woman hosts the VMAs and we're only 20 minutes in.
9.24 pm - Someone is cheering wildly for the Jackass people. Why, I'm not quite sure. They present Best Rock Video to 30 Seconds to Mars for "Kings and Queens." Jared Leto's band got popular? I really have been living under a rock. I get the same sad feeling seeing him as I do when I see Claire Danes. MSCL FOREVER!
9.29 pm - Isn't Justin Bieber like 14? So that really makes the Handler vagina jokes and Kim Kardashian's faux stalkerage a little disgusting. Hrm, he's 16 (I Googled). Well, that's so much better. He still looks 12, though. Waitaminute, if he's 16 why does his voice still sound like this? Castrati?
9.39 pm - Trey Songz and Ke$ha introduce someone I've never heard of. Tom was playing Trey Songz in the car the other day and I was muy afraid. That stuff is dirty, yo.
9.40 pm - Someone just told me this is Usher. I feel like I should be embarrassed that I didn't know, but I'm not. I am proud.
9.41 pm - Someone wishes he was Michael Jackson.
9.46 pm - Best Male Video goes to Eminem for "Not Afraid." Eminem's not even there, anymore. What a ripoff.
9.53 pm - Hey, Florence and the Machine! Something I'm actually excited about! I like most of this record and everything even though Eat, Pray, Love tried to destroy "Dog Days." Well, I was sort of hoping this would be a band performance and not Florence and the cast of Hair but this is the VMAs.
Okay, it's 10... time for Hour I to hit the presses. See you again when it's all over. Hey lookit! N.E.R.D.!
Hour II
10.04 pm - Chelsea Handler is draining me of my will to live.
10.05 pm - Best Pop Video goes to Lady Gaga for "Bad Romance." Didn't I write that sentence earlier? She is presented her awards first by Ellen DeGeneres and then by Ellen DeGeneres' double Jane Lynch whom I lurv.
10.08 pm - Replaying the Kanye West incident before Taylor Swift sings some lame song where the first line is "I guess you really did it this time" is just the worst. In the intro they made it sound like this solemn song was written in response to West's interruption as if a) the VMAs are really that important and b) that incident didn't garner her positive press that probably netted her millions of bucks. I'm going to go vomit now. If this song really is about Kanye I'm going to throw up twice.
10.25 pm - I can't see Drake without thinking Degrassi. Sorry, dude.
10.32 pm - The VMA's have a lot of commercials. That is probably the most exciting observation I've made all night.
10.36 pm - Best Hip Hop video goes to Eminem. Zzzzzzz...
10.36 pm - JWoww was looking so demure earlier. But now, in the hot tub... I don't want to make flotation device jokes but her implants are highly ridiculous.
10.46 pm - Someone with attractive orange hair is warbling on the VMAs but I'm being distracted by angry Chelsea Handler fans who are telling me to -insert swear word here- off on Twitter.
10.48 pm - Thank you, Yael. The orange haired girl is the singer from Paramore.
10.55 pm - Justin Bieber just won something. Should I care what?
10.56 pm - Linkin Park is attempting a comeback. They really were gone. Right? Oh my God they're at the Griffith Park Observatory!! They're desecrating sacred ground! Case of the vapors, I has them.
11.06 pm - Viva Cher! She doesn't need to turn back time because that bananas outfit still fits!!
11.07 pm - Lady Gaga wins Video of the Year. Who's not happy for Lady Gaga? No one. Her next album will be titled Born This Way. She cries and everything.
11.09 pm - Here comes Kanye. Kanye vs Swift. West, FTW.
I'm sitting here watching the US Open Women's Doubles Final where Venus and Serena Williams just won. Oh yay. Mary Carillo said last night that she was shocked (and seemed dismayed) that they were even letting them play. Well, I guess Serena's winnings will more than cover the measly $10,500 fine levied on her after her major spazz out in the Women's Semis. But you know, apparently Serena has apologized now so we should all move on. Nevermind that it took her two days, a press conference where she said, "Who? Me? Apologize?" and an appearance at the VMAs for her publicists to come up with it.
Speaking of the VMA's... I've updated my post to include links to many of Lady Gaga's fabulous outfits. I'm definitely revising my opinion about LG. I would never have the guts to wear a bird's nest to an awards show. Maybe I should try it when I run my errands tomorrow. I bet the other housewives at the Springhurst Target will be muy impressed.
I'm a little baffled over all the Kanye West outrage. Yes, Kanye made a lame move taking the mic from Taylor Swift and crapping all over her teenage dreams, but really... this is the VMA's we're talking about, people. It's not the Grammys... it's not even the People's Choice Awards (do they even still have those?). I find it hard to believe that young Taylor's soul is seriously wounded over Kanye telling the world that Beyonce's video is the best ever. As my internet friend Phil Looney says, "When Kanye drops a new single with Taylor Swift singing the hook, don't act surprised." Also, Whitney Pastorek coined the phrase #kanspiracytheories and it's taking off. It will be interesting to see what West's reception is on tonight's Jay Leno Show.
Anyway, I've included Taylor Swift's winning video in this post. Decide for yourself if it beats Beyonce's rope climbing. I think not.
Live Blogging The MTV Video Music Awards - Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night
(The above is proof that the internets now move faster than the speed of crappy pop culture. Thanks to Yael for this find.)
Why am I doing this to you, you might ask? Why am I doing this to myself is the better question. Blogging is pain, people.
9.00 pm This show gets more and more ridiculous as each year passes. I'm sure 2000 and fine will be no exception. I think I'm only doing this for Russell Brand and certainly not for...
MADONNA(!!!!), who kicks off the show looking Botoxed to the max. Maddy's weaving a fascinating (not really) tale of how Michael Jackson's life was just like hers... or something. I guess she had dinner with MJ and held his hand? And there's crotch grabbing and moonwalking going on in her house? People are crying... or pretending to. MADONNA, YOU ARE SO FULL OF GRAVITAS I BET YOU WOULD CRY, TOO, IF YOUR FACE COULD MOVE!!!
9.08 pm Okay, Madonna finally stopped talking about herself and now a bunch of dancers are doing a Michael Jackson montage. I get why we're paying tribute to MJ and everything, but I'm sort of oh please at the fauxness of it all. However, I will say it's pretty kick ass that Janet Jackson is there lip synching away as Beyonce goes wild.
9.13 pm Part of the reason I love writing about shows like this and the Teen Choice Awards is so I can find out just how out of touch I am with what's going on in pop culture. Like now, who is this chick singing, "We Will Rock You?" Katy Perry? I mean, I know who Joe Perry is at least. Hey, I was right! It is Katy Perry. Is she related to Joe? I bet she's his long lost sister.
9.16 pm Russell Brand hasn't been onstage more than ten seconds and he's already said something disgusting although I'm not quite sure what. Something about a hole/entrance (sorry). Russell implores us all to love each other because Robert Pattinson and P Diddy are in the house. I thought he was just Diddy now? See, I know nothing.
9.18 pm "The Jonas Brothers have to forgive me, they're Christians." Best line of the night so far.
9.20 pm I'm not even going to hang my hat on this Lady Gaga hermaphrodite bit.
9.21 pm "I suppose English people are a bit different than you... instead of letting people die in the street we have free health care." Zing!!
9.23 pm Shakira and Taylor Lautner go through some stupid she-wolf banter and present Best Female Video to Taylor Swift for "You Belong with Me." I've never heard this song and now I realize what's been missing in my life. I bet Beyonce is pissed.
9.25 pm OH MY GOD. Well, that happened. In the middle of Taylor's acceptance speech Kanye West burst onstage, took her mic from her, and yelled out "I'm really happy for you, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME!!" I totally wrote that Beyonce joke before this happened so I'm not taking it out. I never thought I'd feel sorry for Taylor Swift but, well, apparently now I do. People are standing and cheering and booing. It's mayhem! Stay classy, Kanye!
9.27 pm I really feel like I should stop watching now because where can the show go from here? It's all downhill, I'm sure.
9.34 pm Jack Black asks everyone to pray to the devil with him while Leighton Meester looks mildly disgusted. They give Best Rock Video to Green Day for "21 Guns." I guess praying to the devil really works because Kings of Leon did not win.
9.38 pm Taylor Swift is busking at the 42nd Street station. Kanye killed her career superfast. I'm impressed. Here I was thinking he wasn't that relevant anymore.
9.48 pm Pete Wentz is really short.
9.49 pm Lady Gaga's mask makes her look both cross-eyed and like the guy from Flock of Seagulls. An impressive feat. Given her almost complete lack of clothing I'm pretty sure we can safely say she is not a hermaphrodite. This "Paparazzi" song is ridiculous but since Lady Gaga is an Illuminati puppet I kind of dig her. Apparently playing a horrible piano solo will kill you because inexplicably she's covered in blood now. Man, I hope she doesn't die or anything.
9.55 pm I just realized this show is two and a half hours long. I thought it was only two. I am now inconsolable.
10.00 pm I think Russell Brand just said he wanted to slip a roofie to Megan Fox. Euw.
10.03 pm Best Pop Video goes to Britney Spears. Umm, wha? Geez, where's Kanye now with the outrage??!!
10.05 pm Green Day are playing. Katy Perry's rocking out. This is a good time for a pizza break.
10.16 pm Be still my beating heart, it's R-Patz and the rest of those Twilight people. I'm sooo Team Jacob. Oooh it's an extended look at the New Moon trailer. Dakota Fanning is creeeeepy. God, I remember what it was like to have tons of feelings as I tried to save my one true love... I felt just as confused as Kristen Stewart generally looks.
10.20 pm Oh goodie, Beyonce's here. I super hope she does the rope dance. Please do the rope climbing dance, B! It sounds like she's about to cover Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight." I'm so glad she's bringing leotards and lasers back. Someone needed to. YES!!! I swear that rope climbing gets me every time. I actually just exclaimed and Tom's like, "What is wrong with you?" Poor Tom. He suffers for my art, too. Cuz yeah, this is art. Holy crap there's like fifty leotard ladies on stage now. If they all rope dance I'm going to explode. Drat. Denied.
10.32 pm Diddy (or P Diddy?) and Jamie Lynn Sigler give Best Male Video to TI, who is apparently in prison on a federal weapons conviction. Well, that's the cleverest excuse I've heard for skipping this crappy show. Thank God Kanye didn't win. He was roundly booed when they announced his name as a nominee and I was feeling totes uncomfortable about what would happen if he took the prize. I'm too delicate to witness a tween riot.
10.38 pm Apparently Muse is big here now. Thanks a lotStephenie Meyer. I liked them better when they were ALL MINE.
10.40 pm Cyndi Lauper, Tracy Morgan and Eminem are doing a video skit together. Never thought I'd write that sentence.
10.43 pm It's hard to be funny every two minutes so if part of this sucks, sorry.
10.49 pm J-Lo presents Best Hip Hop Video to Eminem. First Britney, now this... MTV is sooo ten years ago.
10.51 pm I wondered when the DJ AM tribute was coming (some rapper, I have no idea who, is doing a song). It's interrupted by shots of Jay-Z's motorcade. I see.
10.57 pm I defended Russell Brand last year, but he's sort of bombing. At least his hair looks normal. I can live without hearing about his erections, though.
10.58 pm Tracy Morgan sings "Time After Time" while Eminem gives Best New Artist to Lady Gaga. Her outfit is making me seriously LOL. It defies description. She says her award is for "God and The Gays." See, she's awesome.
11.00 pm Serena Williams introduces Pink and makes a joke about stepping over lines. I guess most people did not see her hideous freak out at last night's US Open. Or maybe they did and are cheering anyway. Oh God, I can see Pink's boob. When is this show over, again? Pink is singing (read: lip synching) while upside down. This reminds me of Tommy Lee on the Motley Crue Theatre of Pain tour (except he was actually playing).
Okay, I find it oh so fitting that as Serena was busy making stupid jokes at the VMAs, Kim Clijsters was busy kicking ass in the US OpenWomen's Final. So... you know... joke's on you Serena.
11.11 pm Only twenty minutes left! w00t! I don't even want to know how long this post is.
11.12 pm Gosh, it's Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon. It's Video of the Year!! It goes to Beyonce for "Single Ladies" (I told you the rope climbing was powerful). Vindication for Kanye! Lady Gaga has a bird's nest on her face (see, what's not to love?)!
Okay, Beyonce just let Taylor Swift have her acceptance speech. And Taylor just happened to be right there. With a mic. Wearing a cute red dress just like Beyonce. Sorry, but I think I have to call BS. Does this make me a horrible cynic? Good.
11.20 pm I think all that's left is Jay-Z and his motorcade arriving and blah blah blah. I feel cheated just like at the Movie Awards when I believed in Eminem's outrage over Sacha Baron Cohen's crotch in his face. Fool me once, MTV!!! Now the shame is all on me..
We're sitting here watching VH-1's Top 100 Hard Rock Songs of All Time or something like that and they were talking about "Still of the Night" (you know, that Whitesnake song), so I started Googling Tawny Kitaen and came up with this.
Tee hee.
Time has not been kind to poor Tawny but David Coverdale's plastic surgeon has been to him. Metal dudes should not get plastic surgery. That's not very rock 'n roll.
Also, Andrew W.K. is a motivational speaker now who looks a LOT like my ex-husband. I don't know what to make of that.
Red carpet notes... T-Pain is on an elephant. Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry (who forgot to get dressed, apparently) are here together to dispel rumors of their big feud (who cares?). Michael Phelps is with Kid Rock. Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. Paris Hilton is lame.
Speaking of boring, that is one thing Russell Brand is NOT. After imploring America to vote for Barack Obama and turning politics into a riff on The Jonas Bros' virginity ("Eight years of Bush is what the Jonas Bros are going to have to cram into their bachelor party." EEP!), I find myself amazed MTV let him say half the things he did. I wonder if they'll ever have him back. I wonder how many angry parents are calling MTV right now.
I am rather fond of Mr. Brand, though. He's mad.
I think the rest of this show is going to pretty much suck (the Britney Spears intro was such a lot of fuss for a whole lot of nothing) so I'm not going to bore you or me with a novel about it. Oh, and Brit Brit won something. She thanked God. W00t.
I leave you with RB and BS doing a couple VMA promos (if you haven' seen them a million times already). The subtitles are entertaining.
PS. Jordin Sparks just said, "It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not every guy and a girl wants to be a slut, OK?" Does that make people who don't wear them sluts?! Guilty as charged, JS! Or can I not be a slut since I'm married? Hrm.
PPS. Was Christopher Mintz-Plasse really wasted or did Slipknot just make him that way?
PPPS. Why is there so much godawful freaking music out there?!! I feel like my soul has just been eaten.
If you live in the 'ville and read this here bloggy, I encourage you to check out this lovely article by Joshua Hammann on My Morning Jacket at Radio City Music Hall.
The pictures are kind of okay, too, so ya know... pick up the hard copy where you can see way more and stuff. :D
So You Think You Can Dance is a bit dull tonight. Aside from Mia Michaels' piece nothing is really standing out. She may be a bit of a biyaatch but man, she is a killer choreographer.
Mos Def and Cornel West appeared on Real Time with Bill Maher. I LOVE Cornel West and wish I could go to Princeton and take one of his classes. Mos Def, on the other hand, most definitely needs to take his medication or something before appearing on live TV. I bet Rahm Emanuel is glad he had to stay in DC to vote.
George Stephanapolous interviewed McCain and Kerry on This Week. Seriously, these guys are starting to sound like the Charlie Brown teachers. Mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah. Mwah mwah mwah.
Chuck Hagel is not running for president. In fact, Chuck Hagel is retiring.
It was such a slow week they were talking about Amy Winehouse (and how she's hurting the British royals... Wha??!), Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie on The Mclaughlin Group. That was definitely surreal.
CNN's Kelli Arena (is that her real name?) said that Osama bin Laden, in his new video, , "comes off like an angry blogger." Does this mean I'm bin Laden? How about Andy Ostroy? Or Michelle Malkin (who makes me embarrassed to be Asian)? Since when does freedom of speech equal terrorism? But hey, if being angry = being bin Laden = being a terrorist, I sure hope they capture Rush Limbaugh real soon.
Fred Thompson officially entered the presidential race to the sound of loud cheering on The Tonight Show. This was immediately followed by the sound of crickets chirping. I'm just glad Sam Waterston finally gets the DA job on Law and Order.
Senator Larry Craig announced... oh who cares.
Every Rose Has Its Scorn...
This week on Rock of Love, Brandi M gave herself the heave ho and good for her, I say. Can you believe Bret's "outrage" over her not telling him she couldn't let her guard down? This guy is such a petulant little dweeb and I'm so glad the show is ending soon because seriously, watching him kiss these girls makes me shudder. Lacey continued her bid for Bitch of the Century but managed to get so completely drunk she passed out on the dinner table. The girls pretended to rock out at Bret's lame Vegas solo show. Jes has no rhythm and apparently did the nasty with BM (how fitting those are his initials) but I still love her. I really do hope Heather wins at this point. They're perfect for each other. Two peas in a skankpod. Like Michaels' said, he just has to figure out how to get her off the stripper pole and onto his. Euw!
The MTV Video Music Awards (Written as they happened! Almost like being there! Only not!)
Why did John Norris bleach his hair? Why is he wearing eyeliner? Hate to break it to you, John, but you're not Pete Wentz. Or even Bret Michaels, for that matter. You were not cool in the 90s, you are not cool now. Embrace it! Own it! Uncool people are cool!
Why is Lil Mama dressed like a baby? Is this irony? Furthermore, who is Lil Mama?!
Nelly Furtado went blonde, too. She looks as good as John Norris.
Mary J. Blige, also now a blonde. What the hell is going on? She just said Britney Spears is smart. What the hell is going on?
Oh look, there's Kid Rock! Oh look, no one cares!
50 Cent is kind of cute and he's keeping it positive for the Brit. Is it fitty? Or fifty? I like fitty better but they just said fifty. Bit disappointing.
Now I'm watching some Pussycat Doll lip-synch. She's kind of pretty, but I used to book those girls at a club I worked at in LA and they were always asking if their butts looked big. Do you know how annoying that is when your butt actually is big? Very.
Okay, John Norris is really freaking me out. He looks like the Crypt Keeper.
They're interviewing a lot of bands I've never heard of. This makes me proud.
Paris Hilton is trying to sport some Carol Brady look. Too bad she still looks like a ho.
Ludacris has a pulse peak shaved into his head. Good to know he is alive.
Kanye West is kind of cute, too, but possibly not as cute as 50 Cent. His record covers are much better, though, so at least he can feel good about that.
Sway looks like the Nintendo character Toad Stool.
Chris Shifflet of the Foo Fighters - also blond! Geez. But he looks more like Mike McCready. Dave Grohl and I are both high school dropouts. Yay for dropping out! But seriously kids (because I know my teenage readership is like, in the millions) stay in school. Don't be like Dave Grohl and me.
Linkin Park is still together?
Alright, I confess I was totally prepared to unload a giant bucket of snark all over Britney Spears but I can't. It's just too sad and pathetic.
In fact, it was so bad I'm turning the TV off and going to walk the dog.
Toodles, Ms. P
ps. Federer won the match but Jokovic won everyone's hearts. Awww!
Linda Park likes to watch TV, read some books, follow the politicking and look at pictures of bunnies on the internet. You can email her here or follow on Twitter @mspark.
