And without further ado...

Hour I

8.07 pm - I never thought I'd be saying this but host Jimmy Fallon's Glee number was one of the best awards show openers I've seen in ages. I'm still having trouble getting on board with Mad Men but Jon Hamm's awesome sauciness cannot be denied and seeing him get dance instruction by Betty White = phwoar!

8.10 pm - Oh... a montage. Already? The Year in Comedy... was funnier than this montage would lead you to believe.

8.12 pm - Eric Stonestreet wins the first award of the evening, Outstanding Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Comedy. I can't tell if Jesse Tyler Ferguson is crying because he's happy for his on-screen husband or sad because he lost. I'll be gracious and say I'm sure it must be the former. Tom and I do love the Modern Family.

8.18 pm - John Hodgeman's color commentary is sly, delish and full of dish.

8.20 pm - Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd take Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series for Modern Family. Are we in for a sweep?

8.23 pm - Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Jane Lynch for Glee. She doesn't look overly surprised and gives what will probably be one of the best acceptance speeches of the eve. She also looks divine in her eggplant taffeta. I will avoid making any obvious track suit jokes.

8.31 pm - Ryan Murphy wins Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series for Glee. So, do any shows exist tonight besides Modern Family and Glee? I'm starting to doubt it. They might just give the drama awards to them, as well.

8.37 pm - The cast of Modern Family shows us that they have several excellent possible future plotlines, all of which include George Clooney.

8.38 pm - Jim Parsons wins Lead Actor in a Comedy Series for The Big Bang, a show I never watch. This would happen right after I say Glee and Modern Family are going to win everything.

8.44 pm - Lead Actress in a Comedy Series goes to Edie Falco for Nurse Jackie. The other nominees all have happy face on while Falco looks shocked. There are a lot of orange ladies at the Emmys tonight.

8.47 pm - Umm, did Kim Kardashian just sing for a few seconds? And cue montage... for The Year in Reality. This doesn't look like reality to me, you guys. Reality does not involve Bret Michaels, Pamela Anderson and Simon Cowell. Or, mine doesn't, anyway.

8.50 pm - The Emmy goes to Top Chef for Outstanding Reality-Competition Program. They're the first people to get played off after droning on about husbands, wives and girlfriends or something.

8.57 pm - Hey, they haven't had a montage in ten minutes... I think it's time for The Year in Drama!! McDreamy got shot this year?!!! OMG! Should I care? I don't care.

Hour II

9.02 pm - Hour II kicks off with Mad Men winning Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series. Whoever this young woman is with Matthew Weiner, she's toast. Does anyone remember Kater Gordon, who won last year... and mysteriously left the show right after? Yeah... or was that only mysterious to me?

9.04 pm - I have no idea who Aaron Paul is but apparently he's in Breaking Bad. And he just won Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama. My boss at SXSW loves that show, but I already spend too much time watching TV. There's no room in the sched for meth dealers in New Mexico.

9.10 pm - Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series has so many excellent nominees but I am psyched, I tell you, that Archie Panjabi takes it for The Good Wife, my favorite new show. If you're not watching, you should be. It has so many I'm rewinding to hear those lines again moments, and Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma is one of the two best characters on the show. (Alan Cumming as Eli Gold is the other.)

9.13 pm - Lead Actor in a Drama goes to Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad, that show I just told you I don't have time to watch. Hugh Laurie's pretending (though not very well) to look touched when Cranston says, "You were robbed" to his fellow nominees.

9.20 pm - Man, I can't wait to watch True Blood when this is over.

9.23 pm - Steve Shill, who's English and comes from the Lake District, wins Outstanding Direction for a Drama Series for Dexter.

9.25 pm - Jimmy Fallon is killing it as host. I was fully prepared for this to be disasterland. His farewell ditty to Law & Order is bittersweet, though, as I'm still full of angry that it's gone before what would have been its historic 21st season.

9.32 pm - I bet Julianna Margulies wins and holy crap she doesn't as Kyra Sedgwick (wut?) wins for The Closer. Oh God, she just said, "My cast." We all know how much I hate that, right? Hearing "my" anyone unless it's your mother, father, husband, or kids should be verboten at these things.

9.35 pm - Fallon and Stephen Colbert are exchanging some patter that Conan O'Brien does not seem to find amusing as he looks on without laughter. They're singing an intro to, you guessed it, a montage! The Year in Variety includes loads of Jay Leno jokes and some Olympic torch lighting. And by Jay Leno jokes I mean jokes at Jay Leno's expense.

9.40 pm - The Tonys win something. I don't know what exactly but they beat The Kennedy Center Honors. Oh, it's Outstanding Variety Program. Well, that makes, err, sense.

9.41 pm - Oh man, the "They Died" montage is coming up. Where's my tissues?

9.49 pm - Could I love Ricky Gervais any more? I'm not sure it's possible. He gives it to Mel Gibson and then he gives the Emmy for Directing a Variety, Music or Comedy Special to Bucky Gunts for The Olympics Opening Ceremony.

9.53 pm - The Daily Show with Jon Stewart wins Best Variety, Music or Comedy Shows. It's tough... I think I might like Colbert more even though he's never had My Morning Jacket on. That's the dream, people! Well, one of mine, anyway. I hope Stephen Colbert is reading this right now but I bet he isn't.

Hour III

10.00 pm - They make Julianna Margulies look so severe on The Good Wife, but she's a total babe. She's here to present the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award to George Clooney. GC gives an impressive, sobering speech about the need for keeping the spotlight on disasters in the world long after the cameras have gone.

10.05 pm - And thank goodness we can lift ourselves from that heaviness with... a montage! The Year in Miniseries and Movies features scenes from a lot of great television I never bothered to watch.

10.06 pm - Is January Jones' dress made of plastic? Versace's doing plastic... well, better than fur, right? Oh, Julia Ormond wins for Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for Temple Grandin. She gets played off to utterances of "chick flicks with bulls balls." No, I am not making that up.

10.15 pm - I can't help but feel sort of sad whenever I see Claire Danes because Angela Chase is all grown up. Good to see that Latisse is working out for her. Those lashes are crazy. So is her Armani Privé dress. She hands over the Emmy for Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie to David Strathairn who rambles on about teachers.

10.18 pm - "I wrote this song for a friend of mine who passed away from cancer." - Jewel. And cue the "In Memoriam" montage. Ohh, Jimmy Dean. Man, Pernell Roberts was a hottie. The applause for Corey Haim is barely a smattering. And the winner for most popular passed away actor is... Dennis Hopper.

10.28 pm - I'm going to predict Claire Danes... and I'm right. She wins Outstanding Actress in a Miniseries/Movie for Temple Grandin. Can we get back to the interesting categories now?

10.36 pm - This is usually the part of the show where fatigue sets in but I'll admit it, Alexander Skarsgard in a tux just woke me up. A little. Temple Grandin wins something else. Direction? Yes. You go, Mick Jackson.

10.38 pm - Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries/Movies goes to Al Pacino for You Don't Know Jack, which also won the writing Emmy. Good lord, even Al got the spray tan. That so many celebrities are sporting Snookiskin has me shaking my head.

10.46 pm - Outstanding Miniseries is won by The Pacific which I find hilarious as there was only one other nominee.

10.48 pm - Made for TV Movie's big winner is Temple Grandin. I think Temple Grandin was the only film Emmy voters watched (which is not to say it wasn't excellent, of course). Moving along now...

10.51 pm - Weird, they're doing Outstanding Drama Series first? And they got Magnum PI to deliver the goods to Mad Men. You can feel the shock in Hollywood all the way in Kentucky. Yes, that was a joke.

10.57 pm - It's the end. And the end is a victorious Modern Family who take home the prize for Outstanding Comedy Series. Oh my, get a load of Manny and his fedora!

11.00 pm - Thanks for sticking with it. I'm off to bond with the vampires.

Labels: awards shows, celebrities, emmys, tv

If you read my Emmys post I do apologize, but I did mention that Ricky Gervais was quite funny and well, here he is.

I'm watching Conan while waiting for Monsters of Folk. Waiting for Monsters of Folk apparently includes listening to Rebecca Romijn tell us how her husband (Vern from Stand By Me - great film, you should see it, ha ha who hasn't?) shaves his legs so he can look thinner... or something. TMI, right? Can you imagine being Jerry O'Connell tomorrow? Perhaps he has no shame.

Oh, now it's time for Lisa Lampanelli. She scares me. She's funny. But, uhh, sort of disturbing and now she has pink hair.

Anyway, I hope you're watching, too.

Labels: conan o'brien, emmys, monsters of folk, music, ricky gervais, tv

Here we go, ladies and gents... I'm trying to remember who hosted the Emmys last year... Ellen? No wait, it was the Reality TV hosts. God, that was awful. This year we're graced by the presence of Neil Patrick Harris. Oh dear, he's singing already. Who wrote these lyrics? This is not... a promising beginning. However, the Emmys probably always win for biggest snoozefest, right?

So here we go...

8.05 pm NPH is doing... shtick. Or is it schtick? Either way it's a little painful as he makes fun of the opening to Lost and shows us where the band's sitting.

8.07 pm A montage. Already. A comedy montage. A comedy montage that's not funny. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just give up now.

8.10 pm Tina Fey and Jon Hamm make an attractive, if not funereal, couple as they make a Seth McFarlane joke and present Outstanding Supporting Actress Comedy to Kristin Chenoweth for the now dead Pushing Daisies. That wasn't a pun. She's wearing a disco ball and cries through her entire speech. Props to Elizabeth Perkins for being the only nominee who managed to look sincerely happy for her.

8.14 pm Cat Deeley!!! I LOVE Cat Deeley! I'm not quite sure what this breakthrough thing is, though.

8.20 pm John Hodgeman is doing color commentary. Will Justin Long be on, as well, to point out how inferior he is?

8.21 pm I think every guy here is wearing a black suit, white shirt and black tie. I wonder if they planned this. It's like twinkies en masse.

8.22 pm Matt Hubbard wins for Outstanding Writing Comedy for 30 Rock. Hey, I want to write for 30 Rock!

8.24 pm A Harlem Globetrotters gag. Really??

8.25 pm Jon Cryer wins Outstanding Supporting Actor Comedy. I've never seen Two and a Half Men, but again... really?? Kevin Dillon is unamused. That's not a joke, they cut to him and he looked pissed. Jon's acceptance speech is interrupted by an advert for Gardasil.

8.34 pm The WLKY Weather crap supercedes Justin Timberlake, apparently. He's presenting Outstanding Actress Comedy... and the winner is... wow... Toni Collette for United States of Tara. I love TC, but she's looking a bit orange tonight. Quite an upset as I'm sure everyone was expecting Tina Fey to win.

8.39 pm HELLOOO Blake Lively's boobs! Interesting dichotomy between her and Leighton Meester who looks positively virginal in her toga. This new Emmy format is confusing, but I think they're here to let us know that Tina Fey and Justin Timberlake won something... ohhh, Outstanding Guest Actress & Actor for Saturday Night Live. They also give Jeffrey Blitz an award for Outstanding Director for The Office.

8.46 pm I'm totally realizing why I've never blogged this show before.

8.48 pm Alec Baldwin wins Outstanding Actor Comedy for 30 Rock while Jemaine Clement sits there going, "Why?! Wha?!" A mildy amusing moment in an otherwise lobotomy inducing show. I am impressed that people aren't managing to look happy for the winners this year. There are a lot of grim faces out there.

8.52 pm This Family Guy bit is NOT FUNNY. Hrmm... kind of like... the Family Guy. (I used to love that show. I don't know what happened.)

8.54 pm Oh God another montage. A montage covering the year in Reality TV. A montage that's followed by a performance by two of the Dancing with the Stars dancers. I'm starting to feel like I'm not the target audience for this show. Hey wait, is that Dom? And Hok?! 20 bucks says this was choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. HA! I called that one. Err... yeah.

8.59 pm Outstanding Reality Host goes to Jeff Probst for Survivor. That show is still on?

9.08 pm Amazing Race wins Outstanding Reality Competition Program. I've heard it's good, but I'll never watch it. Is that Jerry Bruckheimer?!

9.09 pm We're moving on to Movies and Mini-series with... you guessed it... A MONTAGE.

9.13 pm Shohreh Aghdashloo takes Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for House of Saddam. Can anyone else hear this weird heavy breathing? This is totes creepy. I know I sound crazy, but I swear there's some funky audio going on.

9.15 pm Outstanding Supporting Actor goes to Ken Howard for Grey Gardens. A friend of mine who works for HBO told me to watch this but... well... I haven't. Zing! He makes a Kanye/Joe Wilson joke.

9.24 pm Brendan Gleeson takes Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for Into the Storm, another HBO movie I've never seen.

9.26 pm I love the giant sepia toned photos heralding the arrival of Patricia Arquette and Jennifer Love Hewitt. They present Outstanding Writing to Andrew Davies for Little Dorrit... except he's not there. The Directing Emmy goes to Dearbhla Walsh for... Little Dorrit. Have any of you seen this movie? Let me know how it is. Good, apparently.

9.30 pm The accountants speech has been hijacked by Dr. Horrible. And Nathan Fillion. Dreamy Nathan Fillion.

9.34 pm Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie goes to Jessica Lange for Grey Gardens. All the ladies look happy for Ms. Lange. She's had some work done and she's rather self-tanned but hey... she's Jessica Lange. Oh look! There's Justin Long! What did I tell you?

9.37 pm No one has said "my cast" or "my crew" yet. This is a victory for all of us. God, I hate that. I even tweeted an actor recently who said, "I'm about to watch the show with my cast" to ask him why he/they do that. He has not replied.

9.43 pm I think the Emmys are back on, but WLKY would rather tell me it's raining. Okay, yes, I missed Grey Gardens win for Outstanding Movie. I did not, however, miss Little Dorrit's nod for Oustanding Miniseries... or Anna Torv's boobs. I think cleavage is the real winner tonight.

9.47 pm Moving on to Variety! I bet it's time for a... okay this is the best montage of the night, but still.

9.49 pm If you're still here, you're a real trooper and I thank you from the bottom of my sad, bored, tragic heart.

9.50 pm Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Series goes to Bruce Gowers for American Idol. He's chewing gum... and talking about hamburgers.

9.53 pm My favorite award is always the Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Series Emmy because the nominee bits are always so amusing. The team from The Daily Show (who had the worst one!) takes it.

10.02 Oh goodie. Jimmy Fallon. Things will surely improve now. After doing a rather unfunny auto-tuner piece he presents Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics to that snoozeville opening number that Hugh Jackman did at the Academy Awards. Congrats to the winners for giving the best acceptance speech thus far. I actually half smiled.

10.05 pm They're letting us know the In Memoriam montage is coming in 11 minutes... so we don't change the channel, I guess... because they all know we're dying to do it.

10.07 pm Thank God for Ricky Gervais, that's all I have to say. There's actually audible laughter. He gives Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series to The Daily Show. I have to say John Hodgeman's commentary has been mildly amusing but hard to hear.

10.13 pm There's nearly a whole hour left. Seppuku would probably be extreme at this point, but I am starting to think about it.

10.17 pm It's DRAMA TIME, y'all! And what better way to celebrate the next round of awards than with a... oh nevermind.

10.19 pm Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama goes to Michael Emerson for Lost. That guy totally gives me the heebs. Remember when he played that serial killer on... I mean, isn't he always a serial killer? Outstanding Actress goes to Cherry Jones for 24. Kevin Kline looks unimpressed but then he's appeared dour all night.

10.23 pm Oh dear, it's Sarah McLachlan singing "I Will Remember You," but instead of looking at heartbreaking puppies it's IN MEMORIAM time. Considering how many people have passed away lately I hope this is the extended remix. Fred Travalena died? Damn. Patrick Swayze gets a louder round of applause than Paul Newman. Such is the power of Johnny Castle.

10.33 pm Did they put David Boreanz and Stephen Moyer together because they've both played vampires? HOW CLEVER! They introduce Ellyn Burstyn and Michael J. Fox (winners of Outstanding Guest Actress and Actor in a Drama) who give Rod Holcomb the Outstanding Director award for ER. Outstanding Writing goes to Matthew Weiner and Kater Gordon for Mad Men.

10.39 pm Glenn Close takes Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama. What an upset!

10.48 pm And Brian Cranston wins Lead Actor for Breaking Bad. I think Jon Hamm is crying.

10.53 pm 30 Rock wins Outstanding Comedy and Tina Fey is adorable and witty as always. She's like America's Emma Thompson.

10.56 pm Apparently Sookie meeting Bill on True Blood has won some sort of Breakthrough Performance Award. And Vaseline Sheer Infusion would like to congratulate Bill. This isn't weird or anything.

11.01 pm Mad Men takes the big prize, Outstanding Drama, for the second year in a row. Everyone I know loves this show, but I just can't get into it. I fear I'm not grown up enough.

Final thoughts... Neil Patrick Harris should get rave reviews for his hosting duties considering how many people gave him props during the show. I enjoyed the nominee bits with the directors and writers... nice to hear them have a say. However, I will not be blogging the Emmys again because, like this post, it was long and boring.

Thanks for reading and impatiently wondering when this post was going to show up.

Labels: awards shows, celebrities, emmys, tv