Watching the red carpet coverage on E! Always so full of awkward... like right now with Ryan Seacrest asking Fergie and Josh Duhamel why they renewed their vows recently. Or January Jones stiffly discussing why she doesn't want to wear 60s fashions even though all the designers are doing them right now because she "doesn't want to walk around as Betty all day." I will say her dress is killer, though, and the fashions are a lot less fug this year with some notable exceptions (Diane Kruger looking like cotton candy and Jennifer Morrison as the cowardly lion).

NBC's coverage starts in two minutes with Billy Bush. Billy Bush... Ryan Seacrest... poke needles in my eye or... poke needles in my eye. I'll, uh, be back when the show starts because these NBC hosts are making my IQ drop... and Mariah Carey has just blinded me.

Okay, here we go... let's hope Ricky Gervais kills it.

HOUR I

8.00 Enthusiastic applause as the stars acknowledge one of their own while simultaneously praying Gervais doesn't roast them to bits.

8.02 Cameron Diaz looks confused about Ricky Gervais' penis reduction surgery.

8.04 Obligatory Angelina Jolie adopts a bunch of kids joke followed by obligatory "Let's get started before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno" joke. All in all, a decent opening bit.

8.05 Nicole Kidman, whose plastic surgeon is doing a better job these days, presents Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture to Mo'Nique for Precious. Anna Kendrick looks a little bummed, but Mariah Carey and her boobs giver her a standing ovation. Props to Mo'Nique for calling the cast and crew "the cast and crew" and not "my cast and crew." Man, I hate that.

8.09 Matthew Fox, whose plastic surgeon is not doing a better job these days, and Sofia Vergara, who looks much prettier in real life, present Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical to Toni Collette, whom I love. Unfortunately I do not love her show, The United States of Tara... and she just said, "my cast." Damn.

8.18 John Lithgow just won something. William Hurt has a giant beard. Jeremy Piven's giving his best "Oh, I lost" face. This must be Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Why do they make these categories so freaking long?!

8.20 Mike Tyson is really happy to see Paul McCartney, who's here to make jokes about how animation is for adults who take drugs... and present Best Animated Feature Film to Up. I didn't see Up. Was that the balloon boy movie that did not feature the Heene family?

8.26 Thank God for the commercial break. Time to breathe and edit. The speeches so far have been a snooze. Someone needs to ply these nominees with some more booze.

8.30 Felicity Huffman's dress is unreal.. best I've seen so far. She's blowing all her lines but looks fabulous. Move it along, housewife...

8.32 Jane Krakowski and Neil Patrick Harris riff on their giant foreheads... and give Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Drama to Michael C Hall for Dexter. It's his first win and considering his recent illness, none of the other nominees can look too bummed.

8.36 Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series Drama goes to Juliana Margulies for The Good Wife. Ouchie, an NBC jab! Okay, another "my cast." Zzzzzz...

8.38 I just saw Mickey Rourke kiss Mike Tyson.

8.43 For some reason Harrison Ford's earring really bothers me. It's such an 80s mid-life crisis move... except it's not the 80s.

8.44 I am sure I'm not the only woman (or man) with a little bit of a crush on Ricky Gervais. So dry. So excellent.

8.45 Cher and Christina Aguilera come out as a sign of the apocalypse... oh, just kitten. Did not look full on at Cher for fear of turning to stone. They're here to present Best Original Song - Motion Picture to T Bone Burnett for "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart. Ryan Kwanten looks bored. I feel ya, bro. Best Original Score - Motion Picture goes to Michael Giacchino for Up.

8.53 Josh Brolin's ginormous head and Amy Adams give Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Grey Gardens. Cue tepid applause and long long walk to the stage. I think Martin Scorsese is texting or something during this acceptance speech.

8.58 Tom Hanks ends the first hour by announcing that ending up in bed with Stanley Tucci is a step up from ending up in bed with Alec Baldwin as he intros a clip for Julie and Julia.

And publish...

HOUR II

9.00 Julia Roberts is clapping for herself. This is also something that makes me want to vom. Now she's clapping for Meryl Streep, who wins Best Actress in A Motion Picture Picture Comedy or Musical for Julie and Julia and begins her acceptance speech by saying she wants to change her name to "T Bone Streep," but then proceeds to ramble on about... something.

9.11 Sam Worthington, who is supposedly some sort of heartthrob - and a short one at that (unless Zoe Saldana is 8 ft tall, which is possible), gives Kevin Bacon the award for Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV for Taking Chance. Best Actress goes to Drew Barrymore for Grey Gardens. Hey wait, I thought she and Justin Long were just friends!

9.23 People look a little surprised at Jennifer Aniston's leg, all of which is exposed at the mo. She and Gerard Butler (or, "that bloke from 300") present Best Screenplay Motion Picture to to Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up in the Air, which, imho, was not that great but what do I know. I still wish Alexander Payne had directed it instead, but Jason Reitman seems affable enough so I feel sort of bad saying that. But only sort of.

9.26 Ah, here's a biggie. Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series Comedy Or Musical goes to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock. Except it's not that big because he's not there.

9.35 Sophia Loren gets a standing o (and I hope I look that amazing when I'm her age but that might require looking that amazing now so oh well). She gives Best Foreign Language Film to The White Ribbon, a German film that I've never heard of. Santa Claus accepts and he is suitably charming.

9.37 And the winner for Best TV Series Drama is Mad Men. Tom should be happy about this one since he's currently obsessed with it and spends all his time downstairs admiring Jon Hamm.

9.45 OMG TAYLOR LAUTNER! Please tell me he's legal now... and that his voice is going to change soon.

9.46 OMG CHACE CRAWFORD! We're both from Plano. This does not up my cool quotient. He and Kristen Bell present Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television to Chloe Sevigny for Big Love. Someone steps on her train. She hyperventilates.

9.49 I've really been missing Halle Berry's boobs so I'm totes glad she decided to share so much of them with us tonight. They're here to give Christoph Waltz the Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture for Inglourious Basterds.

Gonna publish now because apparently some Martin Scorsese tribute is coming up. It will probably take up the whole third hour.

Something mysterious happened to my post so you can find the whole Golden Globes blog thingy here.

Labels: awards shows, celebrities, film, golden globes, tv