Well, the anticipation's mounting. Can't wait to hear the little celebrity anecdotes followed by that most important utterance, "And I'm an ACTOR!" I'm not sure how many years I've been watching this show but that's their schtick and I'm alternately amused and disgusted every time.

An aside before the show starts, and it carries with it an embarrassing admission but what the hey, we're all friends here, right? So, the confession is that I have a subscription to O, The Oprah Magazine. The travesty... after Conan's herald of the death of cynicism I was trying to be all upbeat today and on the cover there's a big ol' headline stating "100 Things That Are Getting Better," and well, that sure is hopeful and stuff, gotta peruse that one. Well, you know what was number one? Floral arrangements. Yeah, you heard me right. At the top of my list of "100 Things That Are Getting Worse?" O, The Oprah Magazine.

Ooops, it's 8 o'clock... let's get this party started...

Hour I

8.00 I adore Meryl Streep's dress. I do not love Sandra Bullock's. I think Marion Cotillard stole part of Drew Barrymore's Golden Globes gown.

8.02 Cannot tell if Cory Monteith is smug or embarrassed. Let's go with embarrassed because I heart Finn.

8.04 "I'm Sherri Shepherd and I'm cuckoopants." Okay, she actually said, "And I'm an actor."

8.04 Does anyone have any idea what Jeremy Irons just muttered?

8.05 Kate Hudson's backwards white jersey frock reminds me of Celine Dion's backwards white tuxedo. She and Justin Timberlake present Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock. Alec brought his brother Billy as his date. Steve Carell and Larry David look unamused about losing. I guess getting dissed by your peers is more of a drag than getting dissed by the Hollywood Foreign Press. A serious Baldwin gives a populist speech about unions. Maybe he is planning to run for office someday.

8.09 Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Tina Fey who ate a breadstick when they announced her name with the nominees. Fey takes a minute to tell NBC how happy they are to be there. Surprised polite laughter all around.

8.19 Jane Lynch looks smashing in royal blue, although I prefer those Adidas tracksuits. Cue endless montage about comedy that's not actually funny. How they pulled that off... well, it's a stunning achievement.

8.23 It's followed by some bland patter between Ray Romano and Kyra Sedgwick as they give Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series to (Glee, I hope, because those kids have to be funny AND sing AND dance AND make me teary eyed) woo hoo! Glee! No one can hate on Glee. Oh look, it's Principal Figgins!

8.31 Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role - Film goes to Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds as Stanley Tucci watches all his hopes and dreams go down the drain. Waltz is humble and sweet and absolutely incomprehensible. He does thank the projectionists. That much I got.

8.34 This show has been way less self-congratulatory than I was expecting. I am relieved because I'm not seething but chagrined because it's making this post really rather boring. So, apologies. But blame THE ACTORS for not affording me with snarktunities. Opporsnarkity?

I think I'll publish now... because this is LIVE. BLOGGING. AT 8.36.

Hour I.II

8.38 Felicity Huffman can't read the teleprompter so Alec Baldwin reads the whole bit as they award Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series to Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife. She immediately calls the writers, "My writers," so I'm going to stop listening to her rambling because as you know, I hate that. MY MY MY! They are not your chattel, woman!

8.45 Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series goes to Michael C Hall for Dexter. There's no Bill Paxton here to say, "He's playing the cancer card," upon the announcement of his name. I don't think he really did because that's just too heinous, right? And flawed though they may be, I tend not to think these ACTORS are completely horrible... unless they are Mel Gibson. Hall thanks his wife for wearing "that dress" which also looks like Celine Dion's backwards tuxedo.

8.50 Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series goes to Mad Men. I feel like the Hollywood Foreign Press voted for this shizzle and not the ACTORS. Christina Hendricks is keeping her assets under wraps tonight. Men across America are very sad. Jon Hamm is no Don Draper.

8.56 One reason to love the SAG Awards? It's only two hours long. That may be the only reason.

8.58 Oh look it's Ken Howard, president of the Screen Actors Guild. I think I saw him in a Lifetime movie with Jaclyn Smith once. It was based on a Sidney Sheldon novel called Rage of Angels. The book was better.

I think I'll publish now because THE BETTY WHITE tribute is coming up!

Hour II

9.01 It's the reason for the season!! The Life Achievement Award goes to the incomparable Betty White. I'm a longtime Golden Girls fan who used to watch the show with my grandmother in the 80s. You may wonder what 15 year old wants to watch the GGs... it was this one, for sure.

9.05 This Betty White montage is super old school and pretty rad... even covering the game show years.

9.08 I love that both White and fellow Golden Girl Rue McLanahan are both big animal rights activists.

9.10 This might be one of the longest standing ovations I've ever seen at an awards show.

9.14 Betty's killing it. KILLING IT. That woman is bawdy and awesome sauce. How can anyone not love her? This 14 minutes has made it all worthwhile.

9.20 Oh look, it's Anna Kendrick and Stanley Tucci. She's probably wondering why she always gets stuck with middle aged dudes. Well, you were in a movie with R-Patz, Anna. They present Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries to Drew Barrymore who's with some dude that is not Justin Long. Tom just asked, "Why don't they just have one awards show if they're going to give them to the same people?" Drew seems pretty cool but her makeup artist needs to lay off the white eyeliner.

9.24 Michelle Monaghan left one of her sleeves at home. Is it just me or might Jon Hamm have a little bit of crazy in the eyes? They give Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries to Kevin Bacon for Taking Chance. Tom just said, "Didn't he win the other one? There are no surprises here, Bea." Bea is our cat. Full name: Bea Arthur.

9.30 Oh boy, it's time for In Memoriam. Will I shed a tea or won't I? Ron Silver and Brittany Murphy get the same amount of applause. Interestingly, the loudest cheers were for Karl Malden. My eyes are dry.

9.39 Mo'Nique wins Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role for Precious. She is an intense lady... and I mean that in a good way.

9.43 So, who better to follow her than Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz and Marion Cotillard introducing a clip from Nine? Mysteriously, it's nominated for Best Ensemble since it seemed to be universally panned.

9.50 I can't believe no one's talked about how great it is to win an award that was voted on by their peers, their fellow ACTORS. And the show's almost over! But there's still time... Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role goes to Jeff Bridges. Everyone's standing. Again. This really is like Golden Globes 2.0. Jeremy Renner's crying inside. And ah! He did it! "This means so much to be acknowledged like this by my acting family." Ho hum.

9.57 The winner for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role is... Sandra Bullock. Her husband looks real proud. Lots of people are standing. Warren Beatty's wondering if he slept with her. "I'm Sandra Bullock and I'm an ACTOR." It's pretty hard not to like Sandy, I have to admit. I even met her once. She is prettier in real life.

10.00 George Clooney is talking about sleeping with Betty White. My ears!! He gives Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture to the cast of Inglourious Basterds. Jeremy Renner's crying inside. I have no idea who most of these ACTORS are.

Is it over? It's over. Thank God no more of this til the Oscars. I'm off to watch figure skating now! True story.

Labels: awards shows, celebrities, film, sag awards, tv