Mike Myers is hosting the 2008 MTV Movie Awards. I know we all can't wait for The Love Guru. It looks sooo awesome!

I'm laughing already because as MM was walking out they flashed to Lindsay Lohan and you can clearly see her asking whoever she's with "Should we get up?" as everyone stood to give him his little ovation. At least Lohan looks sober. I actually watched the first episode of Living Lohan and I almost feel sorry for those people. Especially the youngest one.

Oh look, here's Chris Brown. Who the hell is Chris Brown? I am proud to be out of touch at this moment. Oh goodie they're having a Dance-Off. This isn't embarrassing or anything.

And the Popcorn goes to...

Best Female Performer: the first award is presented by Will Smith, Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman. So I guess it wasn't random that Will and Charlize were together at the Pre-Show. Good God her heels are high! Anyway, the winner is Ellen Page for Juno. Didn't see that one coming. She walks up and makes pretend "I'm going to kiss you" motions to Jason Bateman. Euw.

Rainn Wilson does something unfunny.

Best Fight: Will Ferrell and Danny McBride are giving an awkward campaign against illiteracy speech. Who writes this patter?! Where's Bruce Vilanch?! And the winners are Sean Faris and Cam Gigandet from Never Back Down. This was a movie? Sarah Jessica Parker looks excited! How old is this Sean guy and he's thanking his "team"? Yick.

Edward Norton and Liv Tyler come out to introduce Coldplay. I guess everyone's making use of their free movie advertising. Liv Tyler looks REALLY different. And the new Incredible Hulk movie looks REALLY awful. I haven't seen Tim Roth in years and this is what he comes back for? I mean, I realize he's been working regularly but obviously I don't pay attention to much.

Does Chris Martin realize he has confetti stuck to his head? Is Coldplay purposely trying to sound like Arcade Fire?

Best Summer Movie So Far: Seth Rogen and James Franco arrive to smoke pot onstage. Robert Downey Jr. looks confused. How can Sex and the City even win? It opened two days ago. And the winner is Iron Man. I'm so glad Robert Downey Jr. got his crap together and is doing so well. He's a purty good actor and stuff.

Best Male Performance: While they were announcing the nominees Tom said, "Will Smith always has to win something. Don't they give him an award just for showing up?" And then he won.

Wayne's World. Wow. Benji Madden is wearing sunglasses while indoors... in the dark... watching the show. That guys deserves a smack. How did they make Dana Carvey look so young? I love how all the people they keep cutting to were barely alive when WW was running on SNL.

Anyway, Wayne and Garth present a list of Top Ten Porno titles based on recent movies including such gems as The Suck-It List, Scat-atouille, Gush Hour 3, and National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions.

Best Comedic Performance: Steve Carell, Dwayne Johnson and Anne Hathaway... are probably funnier in Get Smart. At least I hope they are because this intro isn't. And the winner is Johnny Depp for whatever that last Pirates of the Caribbean movie was called. Johnny appears out of nowhere looking not unlike he did when he was on 21 Jump Street. Diablo Cody appears like she might faint.

I hope I'm not boring you. It's hard to be sparkly about a show that isn't. I'm not even going to talk about this stupid Verne Troyer licking the Popcorn Orbit ad.

Oh goodie here's Tom Cruise. I watched both this Oprah specials and I really wanted to believe that he's a real person, but ... I just can't. But then I think, oh hey, aren't we all human beings just hoping for the same things? Love, laughter, a good life? And then I remember that no, Tom isn't a human being. He thinks he's an alien. Maybe he's right, but I kinda doubt it.

He's here to present the Lifetime Achievement type award to Adam Sandler. Does MTV have a stake in that Zohan movie or something? Sandler is singing "Nobody Does it Better" about himself. This is... hysterical.

Is this Tropic Thunder viral video thing funny? Why is Jack Black a blond? Okay, Robert Downey Jr. wearing an Iron Man mask while riding Jack Black who's wearing a panda head is making me chuckle. They just blew JB's head off. Rihanna's applauding but she's not laughing. She's going "wow" and not in an amused way it looks like.

Best Breakthrough Performance: Ha ha ha, Diddy, Lindsay Lohan and Verne Troyer are presenting. That joke just writes itself! They're riffing on Hillary, McCain and Obama. Disturbing. The big winner is Zac Efron which just proves the voters for the MTV Movie Awards are all 13-year old girls. Look how proud Vanessa Hudgens is.

I did not win $50,000 in the Old Navy giveaway. Bummer.

Best Villain: goes to Johnny Depp. Again. This time for Sweeney Todd. Jon Voigt sure is happy for him. JD is chewing gum. While accepting an award. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

The House of Bunny girls (my God, that was Anna Faris?) introduce The Pussycat Dolls. About The Pussycat Dolls I'm going to for once adhere to the old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." This song sucks, though. Oh look, it's the Jabbawockeez! Those guys are bitchin'. They truly were America's Best Dance Crew.

Best Kiss: Megan Fox (boy, she's come a long way from Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen) and Rainn Wilson (a semi-naked Rainn Wilson, save the teddy bear covering his privates) present Best Kiss to Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman for Step Up 2 (because the original Step Up was so amazing it deserved a sequel??!). Is Briana related to Greg Evigan? I looked it up. She's his daughter. And now she's making out with a guy on The MTV Movie Awards. BJ must be so proud. Not so sure about the Bear.

I am freaking thrilled we're being treated to this unfunny animal trainer video starring Mike Myers, Jon Favreau and Elijah Wood. Is this show almost over yet? If you thought that animal trainer thing was any good please comment and tell me why. Sometimes I really feel like I just don't get it.

Best Movie: Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr (who gets a ten person standing ovation) arrive to present the biggest award of the night to... (I'm guessing Transformers because I saw Michael Bay in the audience and let's face it, why else would he be there?) Transformers! My powers of deduction are simply awesome! Megan Fox, who just said, "Transformers 2 is going to be f***ing badass" is classy! Not really!

Okay, my life is my own again! Huzzah!

SATC review tomorrow (provided it's not sold out again like it was on Friday),
Ms. P

ps. Yves Saint Laurent RIP

Labels: awards shows, celebrities, film, mtv movie awards, music, tv