9.00 pm Inexplicable opening sequence featuring host Andy Samberg injecting himself into all the great, great movies of 2008/2009 including, err, The Reader. Yes... when I think MTV Movie Awards I think heavy handed Kate Winslet Nazi vehicle.

9.03 pm Naked Andy Samberg. Not naked Justin Timberlake. JT tells Andy his penis looks like Fergie. Did he really just say that?

9.05 pm First of what is sure to be many many cutaways to R-Patz! Andy's telling the audience it's okay to fart.

9.06 pm Keyboard Kat!!!

9.07 pm AS is rapping... and it's not funny. Just look at Megan Fox. She totally agrees if her bitchface is any indicator.

9.11 pm Breakthrough Performance Female goes to Ashley Tisdale for High School Musical 3. The first, well not the first but the biggest indication that we are not watching the Oscars. Sharpay is a brunette now. Crap, I can't believe I pulled out that Sharpay ref without even having to look it up. Sigh.

9.14 & 9.20 pm Oh look there's Shia. He's not carrying anything right now. The winners for Best Fight are, unsurprisingly, Robert Pattinson and Cam Gigandet from Twilight. I can hear girls screeching all the way from LA. R-Patz has a giant head, doesn't he?

9.23 pm EMINEM! He's back! His hair is freshly darkened, too, just like Sharpay! I wonder what awesome misogynistic, homophobic violent lyrics he's going to drop on us tonight. I say this and I actually kind of like Eminem. Especially the green ones.

9.28 pm This Eminem thing is still going on... Miley Cyrus is rocking out... sort of. I wonder if Eminem will diss her like Radiohead did.

9.33 pm Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell are scaring me with their Bruce Springsteen and Neil Diamond impersonations as they do the "Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions" montage with... uh... JJ Abrams.

9.37 pm Vanessa Hudgens is showing a lot of boob and looking confused as she and Jonah Hill present Breakthrough Perfomance Male to, quelle surprise, Robert Pattinson. Why don't they just call these the MTV R-Patz Awards?

9.42 pm I can't believe this thing has only been on for 42 minutes. Life force draining away by the overwhelming force of tweenage.

9.44 pm BRUNO!! Flying in on angel wings! Holy freaking cow! Showing a whole lot of booty, Sacha Baron Cohen is dropped crotch into face onto Eminem who is NOT AMUSED and is now LEAVING THE BUILDING after using the F-WORD A LOT. That was just... mind boggling. Even more hilarious is the fact that he announces Zac Efron for Best Male Performance and Zac goes from looking confused to giving some semi-heartwarming serious speechy with his extreme side parted hair.

People on Twitter are positing that was Eminem acting. Maybe so.

9.55 pm Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are here to present Best Kiss. Sandra tells Ryan if he wants to get nominated next year he needs to start kissing some dudes. Ryan replies, "Well, I kissed you." The winners are... good lord... Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Vanessa Hudgens actually looks disappointed that she didn't win.

10.00 pm Okay, I never ever thought I'd see LeAnn Rimes singing "I jizzed in my pants." I hope it's okay that I just wrote that sentence.

10.02 pm Forest Whitaker is singing "Dick In A Box." I think the world just ended and this is the spirit me carrying on with this blog post.

10.03 pm Hayden Panettiere just said the F word... several times... and rapped. She's come a long way from Remember the Titans. She and some dude presented Best WTF Moment to Amy Poehler. She swears a lot, too, in her acceptance speech. I've been on the fence about my potty mouth but that just clinched it for me. No more of this cussing business.

10.07 pm Leighton Meester looks taller when not standing next to Blake Lively. She and Lil Wayne present Best Song in a Movie to Miley Cyrus for some Hannah Montana crap. She thanks God.

10.17 pm R-Patz, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner present some exclusive New Moon clip. I'm so tired of watching KS act tense and awkward. Doesn't she have any other expression? Oh my goodness, that wolf looks like the worst CGI I've ever seen. I bet Catherine Hardwicke is secretly smirking. Maybe even not so secretly.

10.21 pm Ben Stiller is here to win the Generation lifetime achievement thingy (read: he's here to promote Night at the Museum 2). It's a bit of a mystery as to why Zac Efron, Triumph the Comic Insult Doggie and Keifer Sutherland (who seems to have recovered from his head butting incident) are presenting it to him.

10.29 pm Okay, this Doubt Sega Genesis bit actually made me laugh. Then I heard that Kings of Leon are performing and I was instantly unamused.

10.30 pm Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to you?

10.31 pm I still can't believe that Rafael Nadal lost today at the French Open. The shock is wearing off, though, leaving only a dull numb sort of pain. I think I would be okay with this if Robin Soderling didn't seem like such a douche.

10.36 pm Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Kristen Stewart beat out Kate Winslet for Best Female Performance. (Tom says, "Didn't see that coming.") Yes, of course, this makes sense. Oh crud, she just thanked "my cast." Now I dislike her even more.

10.38 pm Kings of Leon are here to stink up this suckfest. How fitting. The audience looks appropriately bored. Caleb's voice sounds completely different from when they first started and yet it still makes me want to vom.

10.49 pm Jim Carrey somehow wins Best Comedic Performance. Yeah, right. We're really meant to believe a bunch of 13 year old girls picked him over James Franco? Who votes for these things, anyway?

Swearing is very in right now, apparently. I've lost count of the bleeps in tonight's telecast. Another reason to stop doing it.

I'll give it up to JC, though, for a) voice over saying they should overturn Prop 8 and b) actually saying there wouldn't be swine flu if we treated the pigs better.

10.55 pm I'm going to start screaming if I see one more commercial for this Killers concert in Indiana. However, it reminds me I need to write that Christmas song, "Are we human, or are we Prancer?"

10.57 pm Denzel Washington classes up the joint by presenting Best Movie to Twilight which was easily the worst of all the nominees. Go figure.

11.00 pm What? It's over? I can go to bed and read now? Huzzah!

11.01 pm Thanks for reading!

Labels: awards shows, celebrities, film, i am in hell, mtv movie awards, music, tv