I hope you have a few minutes... I mean hours... Okay, here we go...

The show is off to a rocky start as screwed up audio forces Jennifer Lopez to yell at everyone, "Mama's talking!" Seriously. She said that. Best Golden Globes opening ever!

Kate Winslet wins Best Supporting Actress for The Reader. I told you everyone loves a naked Kate. I guess this means she won't be winning for Revolutionary Road. Kate goes on and on, but everyone forgives her because, let's face it, she's Kate Winslet.

Next up is Bruce Springsteen who beats out Clint Eastwood for Best Original Song, "The Wrestler." Bruce talks about how awesome it is to kick Clint's ass. Sort of.

Someone needs to fix this audio. I hear loads of chatter and clinking glasses.

Aww look, there's Demi and Ashton blowing kisses to Rumer.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television (geez, what a mouthful) goes to Tom Wilkinson. He's distinguished, he's English, of course he's going to win. He played Ben Franklin in John Adams. I mean, in the movie John Adams. That other sentence sounds like porn. Was John Adams the sequel to Patch Adams?

And Best Performance by an Actress etc etc Supporting in TV goes to Laura Dern for Recount. She's come a long way from Mask, that one.

Eva Mendes appears to have borrowed Anne Hathaway's tablecloth...

Best Performance by an Actor in a TV Series goes to Gabriel Byrne for In Treatment (which I haven't seen but heard it's quite good). He's not there, but here's a link to a stalker picture I took of him at one of my fave restaurants in New York.

Best Performance by an Actress goes to Anna Paquin for True Blood. The Golden Globes may have just lost me, and I really like that show, but her overdone southern accent GRATES. Plus, I just never wanted to see the little girl from The Piano naked, which is probably unfair to her since she's like 26 now.

Drew Barrymore's tongue piercing is really distracting me. It's kind of freaking me out.

Ricky Gervais is drinking beer, shushing people and being funny. "The trouble is with holocaust films, there's never any gag reel on the DVDs." Cut to Jay-Z and Beyonce laughing (along with everyone else).

Wall-E wins Best Animated Feature. No surprise there. Too bad JoBro had to present it. I know it's easy to say those guys bug, but really, chafe city.

Ahh, it's my old boss Johnny Depp. How does he not age? He gives Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy to Sally Hawkins for Happy Go Lucky. Wait. Mike Leigh made a comedy? People applaud wildly although I suspect they have no idea who she is. Or maybe it's just me.

Drew Barrymore is apparently having more fun as a blonde. Or more drinks. Perhaps she is just high on life AND TONGUE PIERCINGS. She and an equally giggly Jessica Lange present Best Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television to John Adams. Called that one.

Heath Ledger, of course, wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. That was the oddest list of nominees I've ever heard. Strangely, they cut to Will Arnett (not nominated) like three times.

Waltz with Bashir takes Best Foreign Language Film. The animated film about the Lebanon War looks incredible. Ari Folman, the Israeli director, dedicates the award to the babies born during the four year making of the movie and says, "I hope that one day when they grow up and watch this film together and they see the war that takes place during the film it will look to them like an ancient video game that has nothing to do with their lives whatsoever."

Apparently if you have anything to do with John Adams you're going to win an award as Laura Linney accepts Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television.

In the first of what could be a sweep for Slumdog Millionaire, Simon Beaufoy picks up Best Screenplay - Motion Picture. Unfortunately, no screenwriter will ever have an acceptance speech as great as Emma Thompson's when she won for Sense and Sensibility.

Alec Baldwin wins Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy for 30 Rock and thanks his daughter Ireland but does not call her a rude little pig.

I'm not even going to talk about Renee Zellweger because a) I'm speechless and b) I hear she's very nice.

Seriously, what did I say about John Adams? Paul Giamatti just won Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Tom told me Tom Hanks didn't thank him when they won Best Picture. That Tom Hanks sure is ungrateful (and he is so NOT Robert Langdon). I met Tom Hanks once at a Hole show. How random is that... not really since it was at the Viper Room when I worked there, but who knew he was a Hole fan?

Best Television Series - Comedy or Musical goes to... John Adams!! Just kitten. 30 Rock takes the prize and oh cool, there's Will Arnett again. Tina Fey has... possibly against her better judgment, but it turns out well even though he thanks Jeff Zucker, the CEO of NBC after the lady at craft services who makes the tacos... let Tracy Morgan accept for the show as the face of post-racial America. "Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!"

A.R. Rhaman wins Best Original Score - Motion Picture for Slumdog Millionaire. They're two for two and we have our first thank you to God.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy goes to (please Lord not Debra Messing or Mary Louise Parker) Tina Fey for 30 Rock. Quelle surprise and well deserved. Fey goes after haters on the internet so maybe next year if Messing or Parker win they can shout out, "Linda Park you can suck it!" Then I would love them forever.

Steven Spielberg is giving a lecture on the History of Film or something after receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award. Drew Barrymore and her tongue piercing are very excited.

Oh God, it's Emma Thompson I love her so much! She and Dustin Hoffman present Best Director - Motion Picture to Danny Boyle. I TOTALLY WROTE THAT SENTENCE BEFORE THEY ANNOUNCED IT. Three for three. Trainspotting is still one of my fave movies ever. A Life Less Ordinary, not so much.

I swear the rate of off the shoulder dresses is like 20-1 tonight.

Colin Farrell wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy for In Bruges. Does this mean I have to see it? I bet my friend Cherie is happy now.

Time to eat my words about Kate Winslet. Has any actress ever won in both categories in the same year? Why yes, two. Sigourney Weaver won Best Actress for Gorillas in the Mist and Best Supporting Actress for Working Girl in 1989 and Joan Plowright won Best Supporting Actress for Enchanted April and Stalin in 1993. She takes Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama for Revolutionary Road. And goes on and on again... in a charming sort of way.

Mad Men wins Best Television Series - Drama. The cast may die of lung cancer but at least they were sharply dressed on a quality show, right?

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama goes to the comeback rather older kid, Mickey Rourke. He trips on his way to the stage then sticks his hand in his pants and whoa!, guess there's no time delay on this show as we all get a glimpse of director Darren Aronofsky's middle finger. Mickey thanks his dogs. (WHAT DID I TELL YOU!) I kind of think you have to dig a dude who thanks his dogs.

This post is now 1,344 words long. I blame the extremely wordy categories. I swear I regularly worship at the altar of word economy. Although really, is anyone still here? Hellooooo out therreeee...

Whew. The last award - Best Motion Picture - Drama. Goes. To. Slumdog Millionaire. Four for four and the half of the audience that's seen it is on their feet. And hey, Anil Kapoor got to meet Tom Cruise!!!!!

Goodnight everyone. Thanks for reading! If you missed it (and can stomach more), you can read my red carpet snarkage here.

Labels: awards shows, celebrities, film, golden globes, tv