*Disclaimer - This post is really freaking long because idiot that I am, I didn't realize this show lasted TWO BLOODY HOURS! Crikey. I tried to be entertaining, though, so hopefully you won't fall asleep. And hopefully it won't take you two hours to read this damn post.*

Yes, it's true, I am watching Clash of the Choirs. Okay, my excuse is that it's 1.30 am and you know, I'm like delirious and stuff (of course letting you know that it's the wee hours also lets you know that it's on my DVR). Clearly I've been taken over by aliens and, in this post, Ms. P stands for Ms. Pod Person.

The show is something akin to American Idol Light or the Lifetime Network version of American Idol or American Idol Oprahfied and okay, I've used up all the tacky American Idol jokes I can think of.

Speaking of the Lifetime Network, I watched a terrible LMN movie with Katee Sackhoff last weekend that prepared me for this experience. A sort of 13 Going on 30 ripoff, How I Married My High School Crush has Sackhoff's Sara and her best friend pledging to name their first born Michael (or Michelle, as it turns out) after their favorite singer, Michael Bolton.

And who has a choir on COTC? Michael Bolton!! Two things I didn't know about Michael: he's from New Haven, CT, and he has a lot of chest hair.

Anyhoo, I confess I sort of find this show charming because as glossy and emotionally manipulative as it is, no one here is competing for money (the prize is $250,000 to a hometown charity) or fame (the show only lasts four days). The people auditioning look like... real people.

First up are Nick Lachey's Cincinnati singers. Nick's charity is the Children's Hospital (and I love when he calls one contestant who looks like a pharmacist or something to tell her she's in and she's jumping up and down with a hypodermic needle in her hand - how that relates to the CH is... 1.45 am, man). The emotional crux of team Cincy are Ariel & Will Underwood (Will's audition was touch and go, of course, as he kept forgetting the lyrics to his song). Wife and mother Kathy is recovering from breast cancer and had this to say about her family, "They're so talented, and I just wanted other people to appreciate them like I do." The choir sings and dances their way through Nathasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" and since none of the judges (the other choir leaders) are English, everyone is super duper nice in their critiques.

Personally, every time I've been to Cincinnati I've been a little grossed out, but these peeps seem nice enough. Another city I hate is... Houston, TX (the Menil Collection excepted ) and that's where our next choir, courtesy of Kelly Rowland, comes from.

Rowland's charity is Bread of Life, and she appears to be a pretty sweet gal. I guess all the diva genes went to Beyonce (whose crazy sing-off with Jennifer Hudson at the Oscars still makes me shudder). She's put together a pretty multi-cultural group (there's even an Asian!) and her emotional tug-at-your-heartstrings contestant is Lindsay, who saved her iPod when Hurricane Katrina hit and played Destiny Child's "Survivor" over and over and has found hope and wants to spread it via COTC. I don't think Team Houston is as strong as Team Cincy, and I'm not sure I ever imagined George Michael's "Freedom" done quite this way, but I do like the African American dude with the cowboy hat. He's got some pipes.

Next up is Michael Bolton whose charity is Domestic Violence Services of New Haven. I have nothing bad to say about New Haven as I think I've only been there once. I walked around and pretended I was Rory Gilmore (although I guess pretending I was Lane would have been more appropriate but, well, she didn't go to Yale now, did she?) We're treated to some scenes of Michael sitting through people butchering "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?" It's painful and now Michael understands how I felt through most of the 90s. Or was it the 80s? I've repressed the memory. I confess, though, that the closely cropped Bolton is much more tolerable, and I'm pleased that he's chosen a women's charity so I'll try not to be to snooty. MB's emotional star is Lindsay, an abuse victim, who is excited to possibly give back. There's also Janet, the self-described "old broad with gray hair." God, Bolton really needs to get acquainted with the third button on his shirts. I'm sorry. I had to say it. You can take the mullet off the man... OH. MY. They're doing "Livin' on a Prayer". And MB is playing air guitar. Crap, I really want to be nice and all, but this is just bizarre. I would comment about granny singing Bon Jovi, but my own mother asked me to get her BJ tickets recently so, you know, it ain't 1985 anymore.

Some guy I've never heard of named Blake Shelton (charities: Project Rebuild and Army NWR) is up next. I have never heard of BS because I don't listen to country music. Or, I don't listen to Nu Country. He sorta has crazy eyes and he's wearing a really unfortunate jacket, but I have to admit, Blakey is kinda cute. Geez, someone's doing Ave Maria, and he's asking her to sing something in English. Sigh. I am proud that he picks the gay guy even if he does ask him if he wouldn't mind maybe not wearing his pink scarf. And I'm a jerk for stereotyping country singers (but what can I say? Toby Keith does you guys no favors). The emotional drama here is two US Army soldiers (Shelton even goes to visit them at their base to announce they're in. At least they didn't play the horrible treacly emotional piano music while he did it). The choirs sings "Life is a Highway" and dedicates it to the troops in Iraq. A retired Brigadier General who works for GE even comes out and announces a $250k donation to Disabled American Veterans. I hate to be cynical but gee, I wonder who's going to win this thing now.

(It's 3 am. I've been staring at the computer since 9 am. I really care about you readers, oh yes I do! All five of you!)

This host sucks - she's no Cat Deeley.

Patti LaBelle (charity: Abramson Cancer Center) and her wacky hat head to Philadelphia to make some choral dreams come true! I think Patti uses Botox, but she looks pretty good. Everyone wants to sing "Lady Marmalade" and La Patti looks like she's going to hit someone. Awesome. We're veering into Idol territory here as the contestants are so pitiful that all you can see is P's hat bobbing up and down while she tries to control her laughter. I've just had to hit mute as she's taking them through some cat in the wringer vocal exercises. "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" sings Team Philadelphia. They're the most traditional choir of the evening and end the show on a rapturous note, blah blah blah, and yes I confess it might have made me smile (like a loon).

I'd say Team Bolton is headed home tomorrow night. That'd be my guess.

I meant to write about Project Runway, and I apologize for not doing so, but honestly I wasn't inspired. The clothes were dreadful and Jack's staph infection and subsequent dropout and that other dude's return only to make something totally fugly once again wasn't worth the space. I mean, it just didn't have the same kind of emotional fire that Clash of the Choirs does. Hee hee.

Me go sleepy now,
Ms. Pod

Labels: blake shelton, charity, clash of the choirs, kelly rowland, maria menounos, michael bolton, music, patti labelle, tv