November is
National Adoption Awareness Month. It's embarrassing, but I didn't know such a thing existed.
I spent the morning reading the
New York Times blog series on "Adoption and the American Family" and the entries range from the
thoughtful (teenager
Adam Wolfington) to the
excellent (AKA's
Hollee McGinnis) to the
ridiculous (author
Tama Janowitz).
The
backlash against Janowitz's post (mostly because of the line "Like I say to Willow: 'Well, you know, if you were still in China you would be working in a factory for 14 hours a day with only limited bathroom breaks!'") is interesting. I don't want to turn this into
Konichiwa pt 2 - Revenge of the Asian-American Adoptees but I'm struck by the commonality of our feelings and the deep hurt that's felt when our differences are turned into jokes.
Yes, humor is a great way to heal and get through life, but when you're a kid and you lack the ability to understand the distinctions, it can be rough.
I've mentioned before that I am adopted. I was raised by white people from New Jersey in whiter than white Plano, Texas (at least it was back in the 70s. On our side of the tracks, anyway).
I was born (supposedly) Park Don Na. Then I became Linda Owen. Then Linda Fulkerson. And now (through the magic of divorce) I'm Linda Park. I say "supposedly" because Park Don Na is most likely not my birth name. It's a name an employee of City Baby Hospital in Seoul issued to give me an identity. My mother always told me I was abandoned with a note that had my name and birth date, the proverbial baby in the basket, but when I investigated with Holt (our adoption agency), I was told no, that's the happy lie you get (although the woman put it rather more nicely). This didn't upset me at all, though. I'd rather know the truth. Unfortunately, I was also told that due to the circumstances of my dropoff (dumped at the police station) there's not much hope of finding my birth parents. I almost felt relief at this as the stories I've read about adoptees reconnecting with their Korean families don't really sound too rosy (not that I begrudge anyone else with the strength or interest to make the effort). I have enough family issues here in the states. Like I need the same on another continent?! With people I can't communicate with? I used to write stories about them, though. And that is the happy lie I'm fine living with.
When I read articles about different Korean traits, I often wonder about nature vs nurture. I have a hard time identifying with my family (but probably have way more in common with them than I'll admit - you should see my mother's closet and mine - it's eerie), but I went through so much that it's hard to pinpoint what gifts and curses might be from my biological parents. I guess that's one thing I'd want to know - that and a medical history. That'd be handy even though my current reality saves me time filling out forms at the doctor's office!
Apparently the Holt Adoption Manual (of old, I'm assuming) urged parents to discourage the use of Korean and try to assimilate the adopted child as quickly as possible. By the time my mother put me in a Hanbok and took me to a Korean event in Dallas, all I wanted to be was WHITE WHITE WHITE! AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE! JUST LIKE ALL MY PALS!
For years I didn't really understand that I looked different than my friends. On a superficial level, I remember being frustrated that I couldn't copy the eyeshadow looks in
Seventeen magazine because I have no crease in my eyelid. Let's not even discuss the Merle Norman makeover I got at age 13 where I ended up looking like a child prostitute (I guess no one told those ladies that bright green frosted eyeshadow does NOT flatter little Korean girls)! On a deeper level, there were more subtle discriminations and, of course, a slew of ignorant questions (are you a boat person? etc etc).
Couple this with my crazy parental units and maybe you can understand why I don't look back on life and think, "Oh, what a picnic that was!" Mom, the model Evangelical, wouldn't let me watch
Bewitched, threw away my skeleton earrings and freaked out about Sigue Sigue Sputnik. Dad, I can't really talk about because as navel gazing as this is, there are limits. Let's just say we haven't talked in 16 years and it's for a good reason.
However, as I get older and move away from the angry young woman mold I cast myself in, I realize it's okay that my mother wasn't perfect, that it would have been nice if she could have saved me from my father but what's done is done, and even though I got picked on (fish faced gook, anyone?!) and never dated an Asian guy because "well-meaning" people were always trying to fix me up with the only other one in Plano, if I had to trade any of those experiences, I wouldn't be here now. And here is good. Here is the best.
So I celebrate my life as a Korean American adoptee with all the baggage - good and bad - that comes along with it. I spent eight years living in Los Angeles basking in the anonymity of being just another Asian. I'm learning Tae Kwon Do now. I'm trying to find my own ways of honoring a culture I barely know and not be too embarrassed by the one I grew up in (I'm sorry, but with GW as prez, it's a bit hard not to feel the shame). It's an easier road now that I have Tom, the greatest husband on earth.
To my mother, thanks for not giving up on me. I think you're pretty cool despite, you know, that religion thing. To my birth mother, thanks for giving up on me. I can only assume it was the best choice you could make.
Anyong-hi jumuseyo,
Ms. P
Labels: adoption, konichiwa
12 Comments:
Ms P/Park Don Na,
Please don't assume that your mother made a choice to let you go. Single parenthood was not an option for Korean women then and is still hard today.
Dr.Richard Boas of CT works to help Korean woman keep their babies. You might want to look him up. He could tell you what it's like.
I'm glad you had an ok life, or that it's ok today. But the end does not justify the means. No mother and baby should be separated because of her marital status or finances. No child should have to leave her culture, heritage and all of her people.
I also hope you'll look at this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Rfygpzugkk&NR=1
As a fellow Holt Korean-American adoptee - I can relate to so much of what you write of here in this piece. The struggles for identity. The continuous tension between the two countries of which we are a part. Trying to find our own voice amongst a sea of others who know adoption only to be a win-win for every party involved, and trying to convey that any complex or ambiguous thoughts about adoption is not an affront to our adoptive parents.
I'm so glad to have found your blog. It's always a very, very good thing to have another adoptee's voice being represented and I'm happy to have found yours.
Mirah,
I know there weren't many options for Korean women back in 1970. The video is sad but inspiring. Thanks for sharing. I tried to go to the website but it's not working.
Maybe I need to believe that my mother made a choice for a better life for me. I don't know if it turned out better or not, but I can't live in speculation. I can only live the life I have.
That said, I applaud the efforts of Dr. Boas and hope that as Korea moves forward the stigma for single women will change and other children will have the chance to stay with their families.
I'm sure it's heartbreaking for any mother to give up her child, no matter where she may be. I wish there were better options for all of them.
Thanks very much for your comment.
Hey Linda, as a fellow Asian adoptee from NJ, thanks for the link. I'm glad to meet you and your blog. Good work.
Paula & Susan -
Thanks so much! It's great to connect to a community I belong to but haven't known much about.
I really appreciate you reading my piece. :)
I can understand why adoptee blogs are so prevalant - the experiences are so much more than one post can ever explain. I hope to cover it a bit more in the future (in between snarky posts about America's Next Top Model and the presidential race).
Hey Linda, thanks for the interesting story of your adoption. I was adopted, too, but it was local. No international here.
I can relate to a lot of what you say, such as not knowing which traits are nature and which come from nurture. I'm very different from all those in my adopted family.
I never researched my birth family, but I'm OK with that now.
I guess I'm just too lazy and wish they'd do all the work. :)
Unlike you, though, I don't know my ethnic heritage. I assume it's Kentucky trailer-park-American.
Lisa -
That's funny - the line about being lazy and wishing they'd do the work. I definitely don't have the energy to embark on a long arduous search (or even a short one, actually). I feel kind of guilty about this, but it took me so long to get to this point in my life that now's just not the time to screw with the peace.
Isn't it strange growing up like an alien in your family and not knowing how you ended up that way? Now I just look at it like I can take credit for how awesome I am. Ha ha. :)
Thanks for commenting! I read your blog whenever you post.
hi there. i know your mom. love the pic. know kenny and wayne blames me for moms tattoos---oh well. life goes on. anyway, i nannied a korean girl from holt in the late 80's early 90's who was raised in the park cities. she finally saw another asian when she was 2 and was so captivated to finally see someone that looked like her. made me realize how out of place she would feel later in life.
Valerie! I've heard so much about you - and it's a bit strange that this is how we meet, but ok. That's a sad story about the girl you nannied. As for my brothers blaming you for the tattoos - better you than me! :)
My bio mom was on the way to the clinic to abort me when she had a change of heart. I know who my bio mom is and the circumstances surrounding my adoption but not much else. She's also adopted without any documentation. She is emotionally unstable and unable to talk to me without crying and apologizing profusely.
I think I'm better off being adopted, but you never know. Mostly, I'm just glad to be alive.
It's funny when you go to a new doctor and you're supposed fill out the family history. I left it blank but got tired of asking about it so now I just write "I'm adopted" and leave it at that.
Being with Beej makes it easier in some ways. He's my rock and helps me deal with family drama and my lack of cultural identity (Although all signs clearly point to white.) For him, "family" is synonymous with "biological" and it's hard to explain my warped sense of "family" to him.
Anyway, I feel like a jackass for not knowing it was adoption month but oh well.
I'm sorry this is so hopelessly long. I hope you have a good time with Tom and I'll see you in a few weeks.
Then we are jackasses together, my dear.
Thanks for sharing. That is really unfortunate about your mother but I am glad you're alive, too!!!
hi there again! mom says you will be here in december. would like to finally meet you when you and tom come to visit. have fun in new york and please tell kenny hi.
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